This post will be all words. And heads-up: more than anything it's going to be like a personal journal entry. It's going to be long.
I need to put all of the stuff that is in my head on to paper/blog.
Reagan has always been a difficult child.
I love her dearly.
But man alive! has she kept me on my toes.
Reagan was a fussy baby. I was an ignorant new Mom. I used to hold her and bounce while I walked, up and down the little hallway in our 1 bedroom apartment, in Lake Forest Park, WA. When Reagan was six weeks old, I remember that I had been trying to comfort my inconsolable newborn for several hours. My knees were hurting from bouncing so much, and I had the thought, "I have to give this baby up for adoption. I cannot do this!".
I hate admitting that now. And I am sure that postpartum had a lot to do with it. But it was a rough time.
Fast Forward to when Reagan was 2 years old. Nick and I went out to dinner to celebrate our wedding anniversary. We took Reagan with us, and she threw, yet another, of her epic temper tantrums. We brought her home, and were at total losses about how to discipline her. I remember tearfully telling Nick that, "Reagan sucked all of the enjoyment out of my life".
When I sent Reagan to pre-school I purposely paid the tuition on a month-to-month basis, because I was scared to death that the teacher was going to tell me that she couldn't handle Reagan anymore, and that I would need to send her somewhere else. I didn't want to be "out" several months' worth of tuition.
Jolynne Porter, at Start Smart Preschool was a Godsend.
She not only worked with Reagan, but she loved her too.
Reagan has been a trial. But at the same time, I love her so fiercely! And I would give my life to protect her.
She has brought joy to my life as well. I am amazed at her intelligence, I love watching her learn. And I think she is such a pretty little girl. The first thing I fell in love with, in the hospital with Reagan, was her lips. They are so full, and beautiful.
But I have always wondered if there was something "different" about her?
As Elsa has gotten older I have become more concerned, because I see the differences in development between her and Reagan.
Reagan always hit her milestones, ahead of schedule, actually. But my questions had more to do with her behavior. I honestly felt like some connections in her brain were not being made.
In the spring of 2013 I felt like Reagan was the best she had ever been.
I remember sitting in Relief Society, at church. The lesson was on trials. I wasn't paying a ton of attention to the teacher, I was being internal. I thought. "the only real trials I have had in my life have been 100% self-inflicted. I've fumbled my way through them because I've taken personal responsibility for my actions, and recognized that I need to pay penance for my poor choices. I wonder what it would be like if Heavenly Father sent me a trial that wasn't brought on by my own faults?". The moment I had that thought, I remembered a talk by Elder Eyering, in which he spoke about a time when he asked God for more trials. And immediately, I wanted to reach up and literally grab my prior thought out of the air, before it could reach God. I totally wanted to take it back.
Too Late.
Shortly after all of this, we went to California and vacationed with the Sims'. Reagan went from being only mildly-concerning; to acting like a monster.
Things continued this way through most of the summer.
Nick and I tried "upping" our discipline, with her.
It didn't work.
And then, it was time for Kindergarten.
I did a post about Reagan's first few weeks in Kindergarten. It was so hard.
I kept hoping the situation would improve, but it never did.
Home life wasn't much better.
I would take the kids to do fun things, and Reagan would scream like a banshee when it was time to leave.
She was pulling the same antics when I'd pick her up from school.
Neither Nick, nor I; enjoyed picking her up from school on a daily basis. It was a common scene for one of the two of us to be seen carrying a screaming/crying Reagan to the car from the school grounds. It was embarrassing, and aggravating.
It was to the point that I refused to take all three kids anywhere by myself, because I knew Reagan would act-out; and I was so tired of feeling judged by other people.
It was the reason that I didn't take my kids to the trunk-or-treat that was sponsored by my church's youth group. Nick had to work the night it was scheduled. So, I opted to stay home with the kids.
It was wearing on me to hear bad reports about Reagan's behavior at school day in, and day out. I would literally keep my head down, and grab Reagan's hand; hoping to get out of the melee of children leaving school, with as much anonymity as possible.
The gym teacher has sent Reagan back from P.E. class every week.
Never, in a million years, did I dream that my child would be the worst kid in the class.
I will say, that even through all of this, there have been tender mercies.
I'm grateful that I have a husband to share the load with.
That my Mom has taken Reagan off my hands for a few hours on the days that have been particularly rough.
And, I don't know what I'd do without my friends; Stephanie, and Kelli.
They are two people that have given me a shoulder to cry on. Both of them are so non-judgemental. I've felt comfortable enough to do things with them, outside of the house, because I know they won't raise an eyebrow when they see me dealing with Reagan.
I have been at a loss. Completely anxiety-ridden.
I have had no idea about how to help Reagan be successful?
Not to mention, the mommy-guilt I feel over neglecting Elsa and Cohen, because most of my time and energy has been spent on Reagan.
I called my wonderful pediatrician. He suggested I take Reagan to a psychologist for an evaluation.
I made an appointment. But that appointment was a month away.
In the meantime, Dr. Swensen prescribed a low dose of adderall for Reagan.
Nick and my Mom were really opposed to this. They're both medical professionals.
But I insisted that we give it a shot.
My own impressions were: that it seemed to help Reagan at school. But at home, she started acting very violently.
At my lowest point in all of this, I had no idea what to do? I hate feeling like I am at a loss. I was talking to one of the parents that has a child in Reagan's class. I brought the topic up, so her opinion wasn't unsolicited. She said that she thought that I ought to pull Reagan out of school, and wait a year to send her. She also said that I shouldn't automatically assume that: because Nick and I are intelligent, that our children would be as well.
I tried to explain to her that I felt very strongly that Reagan's problem had nothing to do with immaturity, or her smarts (or lack thereof, like the Mom was insinuating). But I left the conversation feeling more dejected than ever.
On Oct. 28th I met with the psychologist. Dr. Tristyn Teel. She had been practicing in Seattle (love that!); and had recently moved to SLC to join Dr. Sam Goldstein's practice.
Immediately, I felt like she was a good fit.
Some of the highlights of our conversation were:
I told her that my biggest fear was that she'd tell me nothing was wrong with Reagan. She said that there was definitely something going on with Reagan, and that it had nothing to do with poor parenting.
Oh, how I needed to hear that!
I also told her that we'd always been placing blame on other things, as to why Reagan acted the way she did. I always wondered if it was because I hadn't fed her enough before she went to school, or elsewhere? Nick's big thing was to blame media. That Reagan played on the iPad too much.
Dr. Teel said that People Magazine has demonized parents that let their kids watch TV, etc... She said that she's probably one of the only psychologists out there that's attitude is: "Do what gets you through the day"!
At that point I was hearing the hallelujah chorus in the background.
Dr. Teel told me to take Reagan off of the adderall. So, Nick liked her too :)
The first day off of the adderall was the most difficult day Reagan has ever had at school. But the following two days were good.
I'm still not sure what to think about that medication?
Also, I probably ought to clarify what, precisely constitutes Reagan a bad day for Reagan, at school. Reagan has a very difficult time concentrating on the task that has been put in front of her. Her fine motor skills are pretty poor. She has always hated coloring, and still hates it. She is getting better at writing her name, but it's not great. The same thing goes for cutting paper with scissors.
The most disruptive thing Reagan does in class is have an emotional outburst.
She will cry and WAIL, and with great intensity.
There have been days where her crying fits have lasted two hours. Heaven help her saint of a kindergarten teacher!
After the intake appointment with Dr. Teel, I had to wait two weeks before I could get Reagan in for her full evaluation.
In the meantime, they did the Primary Children's program during worship service at our church.
Most parents look forward to this. I was dreading it.
I was worried about how Reagan would do?
Reagan wanted me to walk her up to the front, with all of the other kids. I handed her off to her teacher.
She didn't sit very still.
She kept getting out of her seat, and touching different things around her.
There is a young family that moved in with their parents (while they are having a house built), and they are living two houses away from us. I don't know the Mom so well. But her little boy sits across from Reagan in Kindergarten, and he is very sweet to Reagan.
Anyway, this Mom motioned for Reagan to come sit on her lap.
Reagan went over, and laid down in that Mom's lap. And Cami (the Mom) let her. I was surprised, and very touched.
When it came time for Reagan to say her part, she said: "My name is...."
When she paused, the congregation laughed.
Reagan always thinks people are laughing at her expense. Not that they are chuckling about how cute she is.
She didn't finish speaking.
And she didn't sit back down with the teacher.
Instead, she came back to sit with Nick and me.
Keep in mind, I was PMS'ing at the time.... But when Reagan got back to me, I started crying.
I wished I had a "normal" child. That would behave appropriately in public, and would participate with all of the other kids. It was hard to see children 12-18 months younger than Reagan sitting nicely in their seats, and singing the songs; when Reagan wasn't.
Strangely enough, we could hardly keep Elsa in her seat. She wanted to be with the big kids, so much. She'll participate next year, and I am sure she will do splendidly.
One of the ladies in the congregation saw my emotions, and she came and gave me a hug. She has a grandson with special needs. She was also Reagan's nursery teacher, and she's always given me such praise, she told me that Reagan is with our family for a reason. Again, tender mercies.
We finally made it to the evaluation day!
It's a 6 hour evaluation. Dr. Teel split it up over the space of 3 days. Reagan went for 3, 2-hour sessions.
The first thing Dr. Teel did was an IQ test.
Reagan scored very high. Dr. Teel said that Reagan is very bright. Take that! Doubting Thomases!
She also said that children that are highly intelligent don't usually get diagnosed until later, because they use their intelligence to overcompensate in the areas where they are lacking. She said that is probably why my pediatrician wasn't able to diagnose Reagan. It was no fault of his own.
She asked Reagan a lot of questions.
One, in particular,was: "What makes you happy?".
Reagan answered: "Dogs. And when my Daddy tickles me".
I really hoped Dr. Teel wouldn't tell me to buy Reagan a dog!
It was very interesting to watch. Certainly educational.
I have a very limited realm of knowledge in the psychological world. I figured Reagan either had Autism/Aspgergers, or ADHD.
At the end of day 3, Dr. Teel told me Reagan has the most extreme case of Sensory Processing Disorder (when it comes to seeking touch), that she has ever seen come through her office!
Reagan also has SPD aversion to sound, and smell. It's possible to have both seeking and aversions in SPD at the same time.
Dr. Teel is going to have a full-report available for me on Dec. 5th. It will include a letter to the school. I will finally have some direction! And I'll know what I can ask for, to help Reagan be successful.
The SPD may not be the only thing plaguing Reagan. Dr. Teel said she would have to look at all of the test results, and do more evaluations. But the SPD is certainly major.
The down side, is that Dr. Teel doesn't treat SPD. I have to take Reagan to an Occupational Therapist for that. I spent HOURS yesterday, trying to find one. Our health care system is so broken.
So, I don't have the entire picture to work with, yet.
But, for the first time in Reagan's life, things are making sense, and I have a bit of direction!
With the SPD that Reagan experiences, her brain has trouble receiving and responding to information that comes through her senses.
One article that I read was very informative. It said:
Many children with sensory processing disorder start out as fussy babies who become anxious as they grow older. These kids often don't handle change well. They may frequently throw tantrums or have meltdowns.
SPD explains so much about Reagan. When Reagan was 2-3 years old she used to eat all sorts of non-food items: Sand, crayons, paper. I thought it was PICA, but it turns out that it was the SPD. She was exploring the textures of those items by putting them in her mouth.
Reagan's Kindergarten teacher said that Reagan frequently puts her fingers in her mouth, and uses her "spit" to paint on her desk. Again, SPD. Not immaturity.
Dr. Teel said that the reason Reagan has such a hard time staying on task, at school, is because her SPD overrides her desire to do school work. Reagan has a stronger urge to get out of her seat and touch/explore all of the things around her.
It's why she has such a hard time at sit-down restaurants.
When another neighborhood Mom took Reagan and several other girls to the park a few weeks ago, the Mom reported back to me that Reagan went immediately to the sand pile at the park, and played there the entire time. That she had no interest in playing with the other girls.
I was thinking it was a sign of Aspergers. But no. It was the SPD. She had a strong pull toward the sand, and wanted to explore it's texture. Fortunately, she doesn't eat it anymore.
It's also why she loves water.
And why she cried/acted like she dying- last weekend, when I used the lawn mower to suck up all of the leaves in our yard, rather than letting her play in them.
It's the reason she is still so attached to a particular brand of sippy cup. Fill it with milk, and let her drink it. She'll be immediately calmed.
I don't have all of the answers.
And I don't intend to allow her to use the SPD as a crutch. I need to be taught new way to discipline her. She isn't going to be able to get away with anything and everything, just because she has this disorder.
But I do think she needs to be cut a little slack.
This certainly sheds new light on everything.
Is my little girl different? Yes.
But I love her that much more, because of it.
The sense of relief I have at this partial diagnosis is palpable.
We may all make it through this trial, after all.
