I mean, I really love my family.
There's nothing that is more important to me.
Nick still makes me want to be the best person I can possibly be, so that I can feel like I deserve him. My kids make me so proud. They will achieve so much more than I ever did!
Everything that has happened with Reagan, this past year, has been tough.
Up until a few months ago, I was still in denial about Reagan being Autistic. I could not bring myself to use that word to describe her. I would freely say: sensory processing disorder, and I would wish that Asperger's still existed; so that I could say she had it.
This summer was an eye-opener for me.
No bones about it. Reagan has Autism Spectrum Disorder.
It has been heartbreaking for me to watch her interact with other kids. She's displayed classic symptoms: for instance, she will prattle on about topics that she fixates on- particularly: animals! She thinks they are just as interesting to other people, as they are to her. And she can't sense that others don't care. I haven't had the heart to tell her that her friends don't find Harpy Eagles as fascinating as she does.
I enrolled her in a handwriting class, at the Children's Center. Easter Seals was putting it on. It was designed to help children with neurological disorders, that struggle with their fine motor skills. I paid $175 for her to go once a week for 8 weeks.
In Reagan's class, there were 4 other boys.
Reagan didn't love the class. And she would let me know it.
I told Nick that it was disheartening to know that even in a class of kids with autism, Reagan was the worst behaved.
Reagan would fight me, about doing the handwriting work. Like, physically. If I would sit her on my lap, she would head-butt me.
That was the most difficult thing about this summer. Reagan is getting too big for me to manhandle. And there was a lot of that going on.
Also, she's never exhibited defiance before. And this summer she had a very defiant attitude.
It was a constant struggle.
Any time Reagan didn't get her way, a fight was sure to ensue.
I
It is no fun to constantly have your kid beating the crap out of you.
On top of that, if I don't let Reagan do what she wants, she will tell me that I am an "evil Mommy", or that "she doesn't love me".
I really do try not to say "No" to her requests. As long as they are within reason. But I'm not going to take a daily trip to Toys R' Us to buy her something.
And that's usually along the lines of what she wants.
When she doesn't get it... Duck and cover!
I mentioned that, on her birthday, we went to the aquarium.
As soon as we walked in, I noticed that you had to exit through the gift shop. I spent our time there, searching for an alternative exit (there wasn't one); and trying to prepare Reagan. I told her that we weren't going to buy anything.
When it came time to go, we headed to the exit.
As soon as we walked in to the gift shop, Reagan asked if I'd buy her something? I told her no. She asked if she could touch things? I told her she could touch every item in the store, if she wanted to. But that we were not going to buy anything.
Of course, she found a stuffed animal that she wanted.
When I reminded her that we weren't buying anything, she freaked out.
Forget reasoning with her. There's the fact that she already has a million stuffed animals at home, already. And that the stuffed animal she wanted was $27.
It wasn't reasonable.
I had to fireman carry that girl out of the aquarium. Maneuvering around the breakable items, to escape, was tricky.
Not to mention that it was a bazillion degrees outside that day.
I was sweating profusely.
I put Reagan down, and tried to get through to her.
She ran away from me, back toward the building.
I managed to get hold of her again, and started carrying her. All the while, she was hitting, kicking, scratching, and screaming.
I noticed that (not one), but two security guards were following me.
I turned around to talk to them. It was embarrassing. They wanted to make sure I wasn't abducting Reagan. She was kicking up that much of a fuss.
Then, there was the trip to Mrs. Cavanaugh's chocolate factory, the week before school started, that one of my neighbors put together.
I took my kids. Because, #1- I like being social, and #2- I don't want to deprive Cohen and Elsa from being around their neighborhood friends.
Reagan did well while we were confined to a room watching a (boring) movie, at the start of the tour.
But once we started the tour of the factory, things went south. There were other kids that were misbehaving, and Reagan was following their example. I spoke to her and set up parameters. But she just couldn't follow them, when other kids weren't.
I could tell that the employees at Mrs. Cavanaugh's were getting angry. So, I picked Reagan up, and I told her we were leaving. I asked Elsa to bring Cohen.
I was carrying Reagan, and she was hitting me in the face, because she didn't want to leave.
I made it to the parking lot, and I turned around to make sure that Cohen and Elsa were following me.
I saw my younger two holding hands and willingly following me. I lost it.
Straight-up, I started sobbing, right then and there.
Some days are just hard.
And some days I feel like people are judging me, by my child's bad behavior.
As difficult as this summer was, I was DREADING the start of school.
I feel very strongly that Reagan is my responsibility. As poorly as it makes me feel, when she "acts out" toward me; it makes me feel that much worse- when she does it to other people! I have always tried to play Reagan "close to my vest".
Reagan only had one playdate, the entire summer. And it would hurt my feelings to see the other kids from my neighborhood playing together, and not including Reagan.
It's one thing I still don't know how to address? I can't blame the other little gals for not wanting to play with Reagan. Reagan has a hard time engaging. When other kids come over, Reagan will play pretend for a short period of time, and then she'll go off and want to do her own thing. I'm not oblivious to this, and I have been so grateful to have Elsa. Because Elsa will play with Reagan's friends, long after Reagan has retired.
The only kid I have seen Reagan play with for an extended period of time is her friend, Connor. He is also on the autism spectrum, I know that has a lot to do with it. Connor and Reagan both like their space. Tender mercy, Connor just moved from Washington State to Rock Springs, WY. So, we should be seeing him more.
Returning from that digression: I spent the summer running my tail off, trying to do things to help Reagan prepare for first grade.
I already mentioned the handwriting class.
I joined a support group for Mom's with kids on the Autism Spectrum.
I had Reagan meet with a psychologist at the Children's Center.
That psychologist referred us to a psychiatrist.
I also enrolled Reagan in a social skills class at the Children's Center.
It's just not in me to send Reagan to school, and take the attitude that she is their problem for the 6 hours, that she is there every day.
At the end of the school year, last year, I submitted the request form for the elementary school. I didn't request a teacher. I didn't request that Reagan be put in a class with her friends. I only asked for one thing. And that was that Reagan not be placed in a class with two little girls that had not been very nice to Reagan in the past.
Last year, one of the little girls would tease Reagan. She would needle Reagan by saying things like, "you have a boy's name. Why did you get named a boy's name?". It would make Reagan cry.
The other little girl lived in our ward. She had never been friendly with Reagan. Last year, I was told that this girl would play "queen bee" at recess, and would not let Reagan play with the other little girls from our ward.
That girl is the youngest of 7 children. I am sure that pecking-order has a lot to do with why she acts the way she does. Not to mention, that she's naturally very spunky (to put it nicely).
Well, back in June her family decided to move out of their rental, and in to a house. So, they weren't in our ward anymore, but they were still within the school boundaries for Burton Elementary.
A few weeks ago, I was outside with all three kids. And this particular girl came riding down the street, on her bike, with another little girl that lives a few houses away from us.
The spunky girl yelled at Reagan, as they rode past: "You can't play with Julia (the other girl), because I'm playing with her!".
Reagan looked up at me, and asked, "was she being mean to me?".
I told Reagan that the girl wasn't being nice...
Reagan started to cry.
The spunky gal looked over her shoulder, back at us, and turned her bike around.
I wondered if she was going to come back and apologize?
Nope.
She stopped her bike right in front of Reagan and me, and shouted, "I said... you can't play with Julia right now. We don't like you!".
I'd had enough, at that point. And I raised my voice, and told spunky to leave! Now!
That incident lead to Reagan having a crying jag that lasted a good hour.
Naturally, I didn't want Reagan to have to deal with that girl this school year.
I found out who Reagan's teacher was. I felt like she got the best teacher in 1st grade! I also found out that they were putting all of the "special needs" kids in one class together; and there were supposed to be two aide's in the class to help out (this week, I've only seen one aide in the class? but there's been too much going on for me to ask where the other aide is?).
I emailed Reagan's teacher, and gave her a heads-up about Reagan's quirks.
She telephoned me, and we decided to meet, the Friday before school started.
She told me that she had the largest class, by far, of all the 1st grade classes. But that she was OK with that, because it meant that 9 more kids would need to move in to the school boundaries; before one was added to her class.
Also, while I had her on the phone, I asked, "if it was within her discretion, could she tell me if (the two girls I had requested not be in Reagan's class) were on her class list?". She told me that neither name was there.
They posted the class lists a week before school started. Both of the girls were not in Reagan's class.
Thursday, before school started, I showed up to back to school night. Lo, and behold; spunky girl and her Mom were sitting in Reagan's classroom!
Spunky girl's Mom signed up to be classroom Mom.
I hardly heard a word the teacher said during her presentation to the parents. My heart was in my toes.
When the teacher was finished, I asked her, "what the?!"...
She said, that just that morning, she had been handed a new class list, and that spunky girl's name had been added.
She said she spoke to the principal, because she knew I'd have a problem with it!
Apparently, spunky girls' Mom had gone to the principal's office that morning, guns blazing, insisting that her daughter be moved to the class Reagan was in.
I high-tailed it to the principal's office, myself.
She admitted that the mistake had been hers. She hadn't remembered my special requests. Other people were vying for the principal's attention, it was back to school night, after all.
The way the principal left it, that night, was: that if that girl stepped one-toe out of line, that first week of school, she was gone.
I got home, and was telling Nick about it. I started getting really upset.
I tried to go to bed, but my brain was racing.
I didn't want to disturb Nick with all of my tossing and turning (and crying), so I moved to the guest room.
If I slept that night, it wasn't for long.
I still felt awful the next morning.
Nick told me to let it go. But I couldn't.
I was upset about the fact that I had tried to handle this situation discreetly. And that I had "played by the rules". I had submitted my requests for this school year, on time, last year.
I felt like I was getting dumped-on, because the principal didn't want to "eat crow" with that other parent.
Bottom line: last year was a year from hell, thanks to Reagan's crazy teacher.
Both Reagan and I needed an uneventful school year, this year. We needed the respite!
The principal and I ended up exchanging some emotionally-charged emails on Friday, and Saturday.
On Friday, I took Reagan to the school to meet her teacher. Of course, this topic came up. Her teacher told me that it might be a good thing to have Spunky girl in the class, so that she could learn to be nice to Reagan?
She might have been right?
But I was just not feeling up to dealing with that this year.
Saturday, the principal told me that I had made some very valid points. And that she would be moving Spunky girl to another class.
Monday morning! The first day of school.
I took Reagan to school.
I had been home for less than two minutes, after dropping Reagan off, when my doorbell rang. I looked out my window, and I didn't see popcorn popping! Nope. I saw the car, that spunky girl's Mom drive, in my driveway.
I asked Nick to answer the door, so that I could have a few seconds to mentally prep for the imminent confrontation.
Because nothing can ever be easy, I have to note that there are things that made this whole situation even more sticky... The house that spunky girl's family moved in to (when they moved out of my ward) is down the street from my parents. They live in my parent's ward now.
Reagan's 1st grade teacher ALSO lives in my parents ward.
Drama.
So, I found my backbone, and went to the front door. The Mom was crying, and was visibly upset. She said that I didn't look excited to see her. I wasn't.
At that point, my phone started ringing. I could see that someone from the elementary school was trying to call me. But I didn't answer.
Then, I heard Nick's phone ringing. I couldn't hear the conversation, because he was in another room.
During the course of the conversation, I found out that the principal had called her Saturday night; to tell her that they were moving her daughter to another class, and framed the reasoning behind it as: there were too many kids in Reagan's particular class already.
I guess it didn't sit with that Mom very well, because she went to the school Monday morning, and spoke to Reagan's teacher. I'm still not sure why Reagan's teacher gave specifics? Why couldn't she have said that "a parent" was behind the push to move the little girl? Why did she have to disclose my identity?!
Anyway, the angry Mom went to the principal; and wanted the principal to call me! She wanted me to come to the school so that we could all meet together.
The principal told her she wasn't going to do that.
So, the Mom got in her car; and came to me, instead.
The principal tried calling me, to warn me. But she was a little too late.
The principal ended up talking to Nick :)
In the end, I am glad that the principal was looking out for me.
I now feel very awkward around Reagan's teacher. We have spoken several times since the incident, and she hasn't addressed anything.
It's just another thing that's giving me anxiety.
Reagan DID make it safely through her first day of 1st grade.
When she came home from school, she had grass in her hair. She said the boys were throwing grass at her, at recess.
Tuesday, I found out that Reagan got in trouble, because the recess duty said that Reagan was instigating a grass fight.
Wednesday, Reagan got in trouble because she was chasing the boys. When they told her not to, and she didn't stop, they started pushing her.
Also on Tuesday, I got a call from the Children's Center. I had an appt. for Reagan to meet with a psychiatrist on November 14th. But they had a cancellation for that day, at 1PM; and wondered if I wanted to bring Reagan in?
I jumped at the chance.
The psychiatrist met with us for two hours.
She said that, in addition to the ASD, and SPD; Reagan has problems with anxiety. She prescribed Zoloft. We'll see if that helps?
Last year, I had specifically requested that an Autism Aide from Davis County School District be assigned to Reagan for the first week of school, to help her transition in to 1st grade.
I was told "no". And it was suggested that I accompany her on her 1st week of school.
I thought that was the worst idea. Reagan's behavior around me, is the worst!
I decided I would just join Reagan for lunch, each day.
On Wednesday, I was one minute late, getting to the lunch room. And Reagan had dissolved in to tears. She thought I wasn't coming.
I sent an email to Reagan's IEP team, requesting a meeting. I outlined a laundry list of things I wanted to see added to her IEP.
I got a call from Reagan's case worker, to tell me that they've scheduled the meeting for Tuesday @ 8AM.
I told her, that the date/time wasn't ideal; because Nick has to work that morning, and Elsa's preschool orientation was at 9AM. I don't want to feel rushed!
Reagan's case worker told me that the mtg. would only last 15 minutes; so I'd be fine...
I'm not stupid. If the meeting is only lasting 15 minutes, it means that they're either going to give me precisely everything I requested; and all I will be doing is signing off on a revised IEP.
However, I highly doubt that is going to be the case!
A more likely scenario will be that they are going to tell me no, to everything. And send me on my way. By law, they have to respond to my request for a meeting, and they are doing the bare minimum.
I can tell that Reagan's teacher is frazzled. She said that Reagan's handwriting is really poor.
Reagan had made such strides, in handwriting last year. But the stuff she has brought home this first week of school... Man! She's regressing.
I cannot believe I paid for her to take that handwriting class over the summer!
I have been exploring other options, like crazy.
Carmen B. Pingree school for children with Autism would be too sterile an environment for Reagan.
Spectrum Academy won't be an option this year, Reagan's name was one of the last ones they drew in their lottery.
Challenger Private School won't take her. Since they don't receive any government funding, they don't have recognize IEP's; and they aren't required to do anything to help special needs children.
Ascent Academy, in Farmington might be OK? But again, I just cannot stomach sending my kid to a charter school.
I asked the psychiatrist whether I ought to inquire about putting Reagan in the class, at the elementary school, that the handicapped kids attend. And she said "No!". That Reagan is too smart to be in that class.
I did go to the school on Thursday, to talk to Reagan's class about Reagan having Autism Spectrum Disorder. I ended up presenting to the entire first grade. I didn't mind.
At the end of it all, Reagan's teacher told me that she had, had several kids from the class tell her that they were sticking up for Reagan at recess, and telling other kids to be nice to Reagan.
I know she meant well. And I know she was telling me that, so that I'd be happy that Reagan had people looking out for her.
But it broke my heart.
It means that kids are teasing Reagan, and being unkind.
I am flailing.
I have no idea what to do?
Nick says I'm stressing out about it, too much. But if I don't? Who will?
I am terrified that Reagan is going to take things too far at school, unintentionally. I've tried to talk to her about not chasing boys, at school. And she told me that she thinks it is a game. What can I do about that?
What can I do about any of it?
I've felt like I might explode. I'm doing my part. If I had deep enough pockets to afford to hire an autism aide for Reagan, I would! As it is, we're already spending a great deal, trying to help her. Reagan's required, by law, to go to school. But I don't feel like I am getting any help from the school, in regard to her situation! Forget about meeting me half-way. They aren't even meeting me a 10th of the way.
Why can't things be easy?
