Two Weeks Without Chemo.

And I'm still fatigued.
All of my grand designs about what I was going to do with the time off aren't coming to fruition.

I have made it out on a jog a total of two times, in the past two weeks.
I am still registered to run the Farmington Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving Day.  But considering that I ran it in 29:01 last year, when I was in awesome physical shape...

I'm scared to even attempt it this year.  The course is brutal.

Losing my ability to run has been just another bit of collateral damage chemo has inflicted.  Chemo is not a smart weapon.  It doesn't discriminate between killing good cells and bad cells that are dividing out of control.  It just kills everything.
I've been really sad about not being able to run.
I like to run. 
Non-runners think runners are insane.  People that don't run, do not understand.  They view running as punishment.  Runners know this.  And yet, runners take a twisted pride in the fact that our sport is every other sport's punishment.
Sometimes, running would seem like a punishment to me.  But the days when running was glorious, and I felt like I could run forever!!! definitely made up for the crummy run days.
What I wouldn't give for a "runners high" right now!

While I've been going through treatment it seems like the entire world is going at it's normal pace, and I've been left behind.  I haven't been able to really live, while doing chemo.  I've just been "existing", trying to make it from treatment, to treatment.
And trying not too think too far ahead in to the future.
Even Still.  I'm not thinking past Thanksgiving Day.

The upcoming surgery, itself, doesn't have me worried.  It's the recovery afterward that is making me nervous.  My poor husband, and kids.  What I wouldn't give to function at full-capacity again.

Heather took me to HCI to have an MRI.  My surgeon called with the results.  Dr. Matsen said that I had a "partial response" to the chemo.  This means that my tumor isn't a mass anymore.  But it didn't shrink in on itself, the way I was hoping it would.  Instead, it broke up in to little pieces.
I had been told that this was a possibility.
And it doesn't change the game plan.  If anything, it strengthened my decision to have the bi-lateral mastectomy.  Just get this cancer out of my body!
Some of my lymph nodes still look abnormal.  So, all of the lymph nodes under my right arm will be coming out too.

The good news is that the cancer doesn't appear to have gone anywhere else!

I'm going to write about a bunch of stuff that is positive and funny, but I do want to complain a little bit more.  The tips of my thumbs are numb.  From nerve damage that the chemo inflicted.  It makes it really difficult to write, and to play the piano.  It's one thing that may never go away.  Boo!
My fingernails are still in bad shape.  Constantly breaking off above the quick.
And my nose is still runny.  Boy! do I miss my boogers.

But, the hair on my head seems to be growing back.  And it is gorgeously dark!  It's coming in the same way my kids' hair did when they were infants.  ie- a lot around the sides, and nothing on top.  Ha, ha.
The whole entire time I have been bald, I have still been washing my "hair" in the shower on a daily basis.  I also turban-wrap my head with a towel, when I get out of the shower.
Heather thought that was hilarious!
Old habits, and all that jazz...

Large silver hoop earring used to be my signature jewelry item.  But I stopped wearing them after I lost my hair.  The hoop earrings paired with head scarves left me one eye-patch and stuffed parrot shy of looking like a pirate.

Earlier this week, I was organizing my closet.  Back in the spring, I pulled out all of my "skinny clothes", and I sent my "fat clothes" to Deseret Industries.  I 100% assumed that I was going to loose a ton of weight, by going through chemo.
Little did I know...

The steroids, menopause, and more sedentary lifestyle all contributed to (at last count) a 23 pound weight gain!

Why, oh why; did I get rid of my fat clothes?!

I broke down and bought two pairs of jeans.   But I refuse to purchase any more fat clothes.

While I'm on the topic of clothes...

I want to mention that my friend, Jennifer, bought me a pair of UGG boots that are just plain awesome!

I'll be wearing these cozy things to chemo from now on.  And pretty much everywhere else.  PS-Chemo starts again on December 18th.  Two weeks after surgery, and one week before Christmas.  This chemo will be every 3 weeks.

I still don't have details on radiation nailed down.  But again, I'm having a hard time looking at anything beyond Thanksgiving Day.

 

Other "favorite things" that have been given to me (just in case anyone is wondering about helpful gifts for cancer patients:) :

The Book, Crazy, Sexy, Cancer.  From my friend, Clytie.

Chick-Fil-A gift cards, from my friend, Haley. 

Aromatherapy lotions, from my friend, Joanie.

Chemo blankets, from Amy, Jessee, and Meagan.

 

And mostly, time.

Time that people have spent caring for my children.

Time that people have spent taking me to chemo.

Time that people have spent running me on errands.

 

Time that people have spent praying for me.

How miraculous is it that I never got sick, while I was doing chemo?  It's unheard of.

And how odd-defying is it that I was able to function (albeit not at 100%), during chemo? 

 

I like to think it's because of the prayer of so many good people, on my behalf.

 

If anything, please keep the prayers coming my way. 

I still have quite a "row to hoe".



Happy Birthday, Cohen!

This little boy.

He bring such joy to my life.

He is always happy.

And he is so easy-going.  Take, for instance, the time he sat still and allowed his sister's to color his hair with hair chalk:

He loves to pose for selfies.

And every day, I am grateful that he is a part of our family. 

 Happy, 4th birthday, Cohen.

Halloweenie

So, Halloween.  Not my most favorite holiday.  I tolerate it, because the kids like it.

Nick and I have been married for over 10 years, and we have been able to escape ever carving a pumpkin! Until this year...  We broke the streak, and carved pumpkins with the kids.

Cohen was adamant that he wanted to be the Transformer, Bumblebee, for Halloween.  I purchased that costume for him (no homemade costumes at our house this year).  Cohen wore the costume to his preschool Halloween party, and got the tiniest amount of cupcake frosting on the sleeve.
He declared the costume "ruined", and refused to wear it after that.  Even when I cleaned the frosting off!
Fortunately, I had a Frankenstein costume in the closet, that I had purchased on clearance at Gymboree last year, so that is what he wore.
Reagan and Elsa were My Little Ponies.  Twilight Sparkle, and Rainbow Dash, respectively.

 

Reagan is becoming increasingly less enamored with having her picture taken.  She does not want me to do it.  She humored me, for all of 30 seconds, so that I could snap a few shots.

When it comes to estimating how many trick-or-treaters we'll have...  I fail.  Every. Single. Year.
This year I purchased 150 pieces of candy.  I chose a bulk bag of Fun-Size: Swedish Fish, Oreo Mini's , and Sour Patch Kids.
I rationed the candy, and only gave out one piece to the kids that came to my door.  I ran out of the entire bag, and started to panic, because kids were still coming!
Fortunately, I had bought several six packs of mini root beer.  I had been going to send the root beer with Cohen to school, for his birthday.  But the canned beverages ended up saving my bacon, and I handed them out to the trick-or-treaters.

Reagan went trick-or-treating to about half-a-dozen houses, and decided she'd had enough.  She came home, and was totally happy to pass out candy with me.
Elsa and Cohen made a night of it, and filled their bags with goodies.

Nick and I weren't able to attend the Halloween party that our neighbors put on (because it was the same night as the Garth Brooks Concert).  But if we had gone, I'm sure our costumes would have won a prize!
Cousin It, and Uncle Fester (complete with a light bulb that glows when I put it in my mouth!).