More From the Roller Coaster.

The last post I wrote, bugged me, all night.

I felt like I sounded like a complete ingrate.  And I am not.

I feel the full weight of love coming from everyone that cares about me.  At every turn, I am bowled over by it.
Yesterday, I cried because I was inundated with video's of my kids at swimming lessons, that other friend/Mom's sent to me.
Other Mom's KNOW. 
Literally, I was sent the same clip of Cohen jumping off the diving board; by three different ladies (from three different angles), because other Mom's just know the moments that are most precious, and they didn't want me to miss it.
Tears were freely flowing down my face, as I listened to these other Mom's, behind the video camera's; cheering my Cohen (and later Elsa) on!  I could hear the genuine concern in Jaimee Buckley's (one of the Mom's that recorded a video) voice, as she directed the swim instructor to make sure he caught Elsa. 
So much of the time, I cannot put in to words the deep feelings I am experiencing.  And that isn't typical for me.

So, heartfelt "Thank You-s" are going to be constantly spewing from my mouth.

Thank you, Swim Mom's; that watched over my children, this week.
Thank you, Grandma, for lifting my spirits with a phone visit.
Thank you, Heather and Jeff for hanging out at my house on Tuesday.
Thank you, Mom and Jenny for watching Cohen and Elsa.
Thank you, neighborhood Mom's that have cared for my children this week.
Thank you, Brenda, for the chemo bag, and surprise goodies in the mail.
Thank you, Spencer and Korie, for the Oreos and movies.
Thank you, Nick, for taking care of me.


I still feel like I'm stuck on a crazy roller coaster, though.  Ever thankful, and very irritated AT THE SAME TIME!  Crazy, changing emotions.  And difficulty focusing.  I'll be so happy when this ride is done.

As a "Gen-X-er", I never really gave the whole "Reality bites" mentality; much credence.  But it's got a bit of my attention lately...
After a lot of contemplation, here's my deal:
I think I was am in denial.  I knew I was going to have Chemo.  I freely told people that my first 4 rounds of Chemo were going to be the "bad, lose my hair, puke my guts out" kind.  But deep down, I honestly believed that I was going to be the exception.
There is not a single aspect of my life that I wanted to lose control over.
I had it in my head that nothing was really going to change.

I started out telling myself that I really wanted to hang on to doing the laundry.  And the list kept growing.  I was set on not relinquishing the grocery shopping, bill paying, running (at least 3 miles), and more.

I had those two weeks, prior to chemo starting, that I was using as (obviously, an unrealistic) baseline.  I was tired, but still able to maintain our normal family lifestyle.  And I 100% bought in to the idea that walking around with Cancer was probably the same thing as walking around while being on chemo.
It's not.
And I hate that.

It is really hard for me to realize that I will not be able to have Chemo, take a few days "off", and then just jump back in to normal life.

And, Yep.  Even after writing all of this; I'm still not convinced that I want to give up a single-iota of responsibility.
Reality may not be my ideal, at the moment.  But darn-skippy if nothing is going to keep me from running Elsa to Art class today, and heading to the grocery store.