I have had several friends email me about my last post. And it has cheered me up!
This week has been so much better!
I am glad that I don't have to do another "Debbie downer" post!
My BFF, Jill, emailed me. With many suggestions, in regard to what to do about the current events in my life.
I responded to her, and I am just going to include my response, in this blog post. So that I don't have to re-type everything.
Here it is:
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You've always been more of a "problem solver", and less of a "commiserate-r" :) I mean that in a complimentary way. I know you are just trying to help. And I really appreciate all of the time & thought you put in to your email! I "know" I need to let go. But most of the time I don't know HOW to let go. I think about that article that said Mom's with 3 kids are the most stressed, frequently. I won't be having another kid, so that won't be the thing that relieves me of being anal :)
You are one of the few people that still read my blog. I don't think my parents even read it any more.
After I put all of my thoughts down in type, and publish them, I often want to go back and edit; or erase. Most of the time I don't act on that impulse. Just getting all of thoughts out in writing is therapeutic for me. I type it up, and try to move on.
I am well-aware of the fact that I look like a helicopter Mom, where Reagan is concerned. I always envisioned that Reagan would be a typical eldest-child, that was a self-starter, go-getter, etc... She is not. I really have to pick my battles. If she feeds herself bfast in the AM, I call it a success, even if it means that I have to dress her, brush her teeth, walk her to school- and wait with her until her teacher comes to get her.
I've done the Love and Logic parenting course TWICE! I can use the tools I learned there with successful results, on Cohen and Elsa. But Reagan is a different story. Reagan never has been able to grasp "if... then..." statements. Parenting Reagan is a completely different ballgame.
I know I told you, over the phone, that this summer has been a killer! She has given me a run for my money.
I was completely exasperated, that first week of school. I felt like I had done everything possible, to pull 1st grade off, without a hitch; and that didn't happen. My Mom always said that I was her child that would "crash and burn" if things didn't turn out the way I expected them to. Hmmmm.... Maybe the reason Reagan reacts similarly isn't entirely because of the Autism Spectrum Disorder?! Ha ha.
There were other things I should have included in my blog post, that slipped my mind, until after the fact. Not to mention, that it was a ridiculously long post anyway.
As far as help from the school goes... Last year, when I was working to get Reagan help: I wanted her to have a 504 (if a special needs child has a 504 they get to keep it though their entire school career- even college!), not an IEP (IEP's expire every 3 years). The school was pushing an IEP. I had done my homework, and I knew it was because the school got funding through the government when they did IEP's (through the IDEA initiative), but that they didn't get any financial help if they put a 504 in place. Of course, they wanted to give Reagan an IEP. I told them I'd make the concession and let them put Reagan on an IEP, even though it wasn't what I wanted. I was trying to show them that I wasn't entirely rigid, and hoping the whole thing would be more of a "give-and-take" situation. That is why I was so frustrated! I know they are getting money (even if it is a miniscule amount), by having Reagan be on an IEP; and I think she should have extra services.
Also, at one point, last year, I told Reagan's principal that Reagan's IEP case worker was either: "an evil genius, with designs to drive me insane. Or, the most unorganized/inept employee in Davis School district". Reagan has the same case worker this year. Last year, she said she'd meet with me before the end of the school year to discuss Reagan moving in to 1st grade. When I called her to set up an appt. she never returned my phone call. She did sent home a note, on the last day of school, saying that she'd contact me over the summer, so that we could meet before school started. But she never did that.
When I submitted a written request to have an IEP meeting for Reagan, her case worker called me, and the first thing she said was "Hi, this is so-and-so, I am going to be Reagan's case worker; and I can't wait to meet you...". OK??? I know she's busy. And she probably is a case worker for 20 different kids. Moving on...
I know Reagan is going to have to deal with "real world" situations. I'm not completely naïve. :)
But for Reagan, the playing field isn't level.
If this same scenario had played out for Elsa; I wouldn't be nearly as "up in arms". Elsa can stand-up for herself.
As far as emotional age goes, Elsa is head and shoulders ahead of Reagan.
I probably could have handled the situation with the "spunky girl" being mean to Reagan, over the summer, differently. But it wasn't the first time that there had been a poor interaction between them; the problem was that Reagan just didn't "get it". It had been making me crazy that Spunky Girl hadn't been nice to Reagan in the past, and Reagan was oblivious to it. So, I told Reagan the truth, when she asked.
Reagan takes everything very literally.
I've been getting a kick out of watching the TV show, Parenthod because one of the characters has autism; and he and Reagan have so many behavioral similarities. For Reagan it is impossible for her to discern what other people are feeling. Most of the time, Reagan asks me if things make me happy, or sad, etc...
Reagan is really impressionable. So yes, I am probably a crazy/controlling Mom; where she is concerned! But I'd far prefer for Reagan to pick things up from me, than other people. Everything is black and white, for Reagan. She thinks that the words: "Stupid, and Hate" are 4-letter words. And she chastises people that use them.
When I was speaking to her about not chasing boys at recess, she told me that she does it because they yell, "oh! crap", and she said she thinks it's funny! She has no idea...
So, I'm just doing the best I can to mold my sweet, oblivious girl.
Funny sidenote: a few weeks ago, I was driving the kids somewhere and a car accident happened right in front of us. I got out of the car to help, and the driver that caused it was obviously drunk.
When I got back to the car, the kids wanted to know why it happened.
I explained to them, that the man had been drinking alcohol; and that alcohol makes you "lose control", and that is why the accident happened, because drinking alcohol and driving was a really bad choice.
Well, later that week, Nick and I took Reagan to dinner with us. The couple next to us ordered drinks. When the waiter brought the beer bottles out, Reagan asked ."Dad, is that beer?". Nick said, "yes". And Reagan shrieked, "They're going to lose control!"
The couple heard her, and they discreetly asked the waiter to move to a different table :)
I thought it was comical.
It just illustrates the differences that Reagan has. I feel like she is a true innocent.
But she's also been out of control, where her emotions are concerned, and the past few months have been very trying.
I wish Reagan and Elsa could be "best buds" the way your boys are!
Reagan CONSTANTLY asks to do play dates. Constantly.
I wish she was content to stay home.
Sometimes my girls play together really well. And I think Heavenly Father knew precisely what he was doing when he sent Elsa to me. She is so forgiving and patient with Reagan.
When Reagan wants to play NICELY with Elsa, Elsa is on "cloud 9".
But more often, than not; over the summer I felt like I was spending the majority of the day trying to find separate activities for Reagan to engage in; because when Reagan was around Cohen and Elsa I had to watch her like a hawk. I never knew what was going to set Reagan "off"? And in the blink of an eye she would go from being nice to her siblings, to physically beating on them.
When we spoke, a few weeks ago, you really talked me down off a ledge. It made such a difference to me, when you pointed out that Reagan's kindergarten experience was an anomaly. And that most teachers realize how much parents love their children.
My mind was completely at ease. I was OK with Reagan starting 1st grade, mostly because of our conversation.
I wasn't expecting to be thrown for a loop, the way I was, with the whole "spunky girl" situation!
You know me. I overreact.
I am in a far more "zen" state of mind this week.
I ended up sending Nick to the IEP meeting with the school administrators, in my stead.
He is so much more calm, and rational than I am!
I'm a hot-head. And considering how emotionally charged I was already feeling.... Sending Nick to meet with Reagan's IEP team was a lot better idea.
He came home and said that the meeting went well.
That Reagan's teacher genuinely wants to help her, and supported our request to get a temporary Autism Aide, from the school district, to come work with Reagan again.
We should find out later this week, if that will happen.
They are also going to continue having Reagan work with the occupational therapist, and they are going to start pulling her out of class, and giving her breaks in the afternoon.
I was shocked, and pleased!
I'm feeling warm and fuzzy toward Reagan's teacher.
I'm feeling a lot better about Reagan's prospects at school.
Where Reagan's concerned, I'll never be able to put my parenting on "cruise control". But today, I have one less stressor on my plate.
I am so grateful that I have friends that care. And I know there are people that care about Reagan, at her school.
Of course, things haven't turned rosy overnight.
Reagan is still a challenge! Just this morning, she was freaking out and crying on the way to school.
I took a suggestion from your email, and proposed to Reagan that we say a prayer, and ask Heavenly Father to help her have a good day. She sat on my lap, and we prayed. It calmed her down enough to get her to her classroom.
Baby Steps.
I may always be crazily uptight.
But at least I have a relaxed husband, and wise friends to help me along the way.
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