When I first found the lump, and in the ensuing weeks thereafter; I kept the info quiet. I didn't want a lot of people to know, until I had all of the information, myself.
Even after I found out, I was still feeling that way. Mostly, I wanted to be left alone. It was so overwhelming.
It still is.
But, I've had a change of heart.
I have had two different breast-cancer survivors tell me to make sure that I don't isolate myself. I'm wishing that I hadn't made the request to have people give me space.
It is so bizarre. I have never been one that is overly effusive in my emotions. ie- I'm not the "hugg-y" type.
But all of the sudden, I'm finding myself wanting to hug everyone around me! Even strangers. A lady (that I hardly know) at my favorite bakery told me that she's full of "good energy", so I gave her a hug, hoping some of it might rub off on me :)
And it has become so easy for me to tell people that I love them. That is very Atypical for me.
I am sure I will have days when I am not feeling overly-social. But for the most part, I am yearning to have contact with everyone around me.
I will welcome a visit. Even if you just want to pop-in and give me a hug! BTW, that is a sentence I NEVER thought I would utter. But it's true.
And don't worry about asking me questions that will make me uncomfortable. I've always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm not embarrassed easily.
The fact that my chest has been poked, prodded, and exposed hasn't phased me in the least. And I doubt that will change any time soon. I don't blush, at all, when I talk about it.
I've had a few people tell me that they've been stand-off-ish, because they wanted to respect my privacy. And it made me sad. I want to order a round of hugs for everyone! On the house.
Over the weekend, someone anonymously left this gift basket on my front porch.
Gifts given in secret are awesome. But I really wish I could thank this angel in person.
Today was a really great day!
I think that it is due, in large part, to the visits from friends, I've received. I went on an AM walk with Heidi. Met up with Michele, for breakfast. And then I had visits from neighborhood friends, Jennifer, Amy, and Wendi.
Wonderful. Just what the doctor ordered!
I desperately want to have more good days, than bad. Who doesn't?! And hanging with my girlfriends is a sure-fire way to brighten my mood.
One caveat: I have never been a night-owl. Cancer has only exacerbated this quality. I am in my PJ's and ready for bed by 7PM.
So, I haven't been too responsive to texts, invitations to go out, etc... that occur after that time.
That may change, after I start chemo, and am pumped full of steroids? But for now; 7PM is snooze time.
Points of interest for the past few days:
Saturday, I pulled off a nice AM run; and managed to do some yard-work. I totally paid the price later though. My newly-installed port was not ready to be put through the rigor of a strenuous workout. It has really hurt in the days following my run.
Sunday. Sunday was probably the most difficult day, to date.
I was an emotional mess.
The hymns at the beginning of our 3-hour worship service started the waterworks, and I couldn't turn them off.
Our adult meeting, during the last hour of church, was a class taught by an MD, on homeopathic ways to treat depression. The opening hymn we sang was, Be Still My Soul. When they announced it, I think I said, "Oh. Good Grief"! Out loud. There was no point in even trying to hold it together after that.
It isn't a bad, or depressing song. It's just one that touches me very deeply, at the moment.
I was feeling physically crummy, after overdoing it on Saturday. And I was suffering from a cold. Just what I needed.
I felt yucky, and I was way too "in my own head" on Sunday.
Case in point:
Shortly before I found out that I had cancer I was feeling SO "baby hungry". I've NEVER felt that before. Not even when I was trying to get pregnant with my kids! Honestly, Nick had to talk me in to having kids... I hated being pregnant. And I counted down the days until each baby's 1st birthday. That first year is tough.
Then, out of the blue; I get this crazy desire to have another kid.
I was giving serious thought to the things that needed to happen, in order for me to get pregnant (since Nick had the no-more-babies surgery). And weighing my options.
Cohen loves babies! Many times, he has asked, "where is my baby brother?".
And I just had this overwhelming desire to hold a tiny baby my arms.
Knowing that another kid is 100% not in the cards anymore, hurts. On Sunday, I was watching all of the little babies with their parents at church, and it made me ache.
The social worker we met with at HCI told me that there would be times when my mind would go down a dark path. And she made me promise that when it did; I needed to think of an opposite/best-case scenario.
Where babies are concerned, I had to do this.
Yes, it's likely that Chemo will render me infertile. Heck, it may even bring on menopause!
But how lucky am I to have 3 beautiful kids, already?!
What more do I need? Absolutely, nothing!
So yes. A lot of heavy emotions to deal with on Sunday. But I survived.
Monday was a mind-over-matter day. I was still dragging due to my cold. But I toughed it out, and got a lot done.
One thing that is of note, started with a phone call.
So, my health insurance co. will not cover the cost of a wig.
Really, I'm not devastated by that.
My oncology nurse told me about a new organization that's providing wigs to cancer patients. The RN didn't have a ton of info., but I figured, "what will it hurt, to give it a try?".
I filled out the online form, and on Monday a representative called me.
It was a total "there's no such thing as a free lunch" conversation.
Essentially, this company wants you to use facebook to solicit donations from your friends and family to earn $1,200; to put toward the cost of a wig.
When the Rep asked me if this sounded good? I said, "absolutely not". This is SO not my style.
But he kept pushing. He said, "I'm sure everyone around you wants to do things to help you, and this would be the best way to let them help you".
Too bad I heartily disagreed.
To get him off of the phone, I told him to email me.
After I hung up, I disliked the idea even more!
The entire reason I'm donating my hair to Pantene (and have donated hair to them in the past too), and not donating it to Locks of Love; is because Locks hasn't been above-board in all of their dealings.
It bugged that this wig company was operating this particular way. For all I know, they're skimming off the top of the funds that are raised?
And frankly, if I were going to do something like this I would use a legit/tried-and-true application, like, "GoFundMe". Not to mention that with all of the medical costs associated with fighting cancer, the last thing I want to put $1,200 toward a wig!
Whatever.
I don't think there's ever going to be a situation where I would feel comfortable taking monetary donations.
Moving on... Yesterday, I got an email from the wig rep; stating that he had enrolled me in the program! He had the donation page all set-up, and had scheduled an appointment for me to go to a salon.
Massive eye roll.
Because what I really need right now, is one more phone call to make.
I did call him back. And told him this was not happening.
I'm hoping that is the end of the story.
And since I'm already on the topic of dislikes... Guess what?! I "get to" have another clip implanted. The McKay Dee doctor should have placed a clip in my tumor. Remember, one set of his notes even said that he did? But he didn't.
I begged and pleaded with the good folks at HCI. Please don't make me go through it again! But there's no way around it. The clip needs to be in, so that they can accurately gauge how much the chemo is shrinking the tumor.
My surgeon gave me a RX for Valium to take the morning-of the surgery.
It's better than nothing!
And that's the latest in cancer updates.
In other news:
Nick and I went to the Elementary School to go over Reagan's IEP for next year.
For 2nd grade they have decided to put Reagan on a "modified schedule". This means she will be in special-ed for 3 hours of the day, in the morning. And in the afternoon she'll be in the mainstream classroom.
I'm of two minds about this.
On one hand, I really like the woman that teaches the special ed. And Reagan will be in a learning environment that will be less distracting. She will also get a lot more one-on-one attention. We were told that for the handwriting portion of her class, it will be Reagan and one other child.
On the other hand, I despise the stigma associated with the kids that are in special ed. And I firmly believe that someday Reagan will be able to show the entire world her capabilities; and everyone will see her the way that I do. She is dazzling!
And they will wonder why she was ever in a special ed class???
For now, though, I'm willing to give this new plan a chance. Like it, or not, I won't be able to work intensively with Reagan in all of the areas she needs, the same way I have in the past.
It's just another reason to get myself back to 100%. So that I can get Reagan there too.
And then, there's Cohen.
The little booger is potty-trained. But (or should I say, BUTT?); he will only do it for me. He won't tell Nick he needs to go. He won't even tell Wendi, my next-door-neighbor, and his lovey-dovey crush, that he needs to go.
Oh, that boy. What am I going to do with him?
One day at a time. I suppose?
Finally, Cohen has taken to snapping pictures of me, any time he gets his hands on my phone.
The majority of the pictures look like this:
Up next: tomorrow's haircut day!
8 comments:
I'm so glad you're at HCI & the mistakes at M will soon be a thing of the past, what a lousy experience. When will you have the clip implanted? As I read about how you see your sweet Reagan, I am truly inspired to be a better mother. Thank you! Looking forward to hair pictures! Hugs!
What a racket those wig people have going! Whether you want my hair or not ;-) I'm planning to donate it to Pantene when we get back in July. I'll do some research about whether a donation with an intended recipient defrays some of the cost to the recipient. And it's hard to ask for help when you're used to being the rock and the one who gives the service. When I finally accepted that I had PPD and talked to my bishop, he said that this was to help me empathize better with people I would serve later. He had the same impression when his son was killed in a motorcycle accident. It helps us appreciate how hard it really is to humble ourselves enough to realize we can't do it ourselves. And we don't have to! Especially with the amazing support network you've got out there! Still thinking of and praying for you!
I just have to say, having worked alongside special Ed teachers, they are amazing! As a general rule, they have endless patience and are so good at figuring out what makes a kid tick. They have the flexibility in their job to customize things for each individual child, which I couldn't do nearly as much as a classroom teacher with 30 kids. Any time you can get more one-on-one time with a teacher for your kid, I think it's a good thing, stigma or not. I hope this is just what she needs to flourish!
And, I'll say it again: forget the wig!! You will not be bald for long. Just embrace it. Easy for me to say, I guess, but I think the bald head is a badge of courage, and evidence of you putting up a good fight. I can't wait to see the new haircut!
P.S. I love that you're a hugger now. I'll have to make sure to have extra visits during this stage to get my fill from you :)
Every year my kids school has a locks of love assembly. My Krysta (who hates long hair) decided 2 years ago she was going to grow hers out and participate. This was her year. It's finally long enough. However, she heard some unsettling things about Locks of Love and has decided she is not giving them her hair. She's taking a moral stand! So I set her out to do some 3rd grade research on where to donate her hair. I was happy to hear you choose Pantene, because that is exactly who she choose too. I too will be donating my hair, in your name! Good luck my friend! Appointment is set in a couple weeks! You got this girl! #fightlikeagirl
"overly effusive in my emotions" . . . that was funny!
Keep going! Don't wear yourself out.
I'm sure the special ed thing will help Reagan out and honestly, there is much less of a stigma then there was when we were in school. Some kids need extra help in all different aspects. You've got enough to stress about. Don't stress about that!
From one non-hugger to another . . . here's a hug!!!
***huuuggggg*** :-)
A couple of days ago I saw a woman at the store with a pink baseball cap. She wore it proudly on her bald head. In a flash I saw myself 10 years ago, so I turned to her and smiling said "it all grows back, mine did". We hugged - total strangers connected by one desire - win the "C" war! ((((HUGS))))
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