My title is relevant for two reasons.
#1, because I cannot make a decision as simple as, "do you want fries with that?".
#2, because I gained 10 pounds over the course of two weeks.
Not a lot of good news came out of my last appointment with the oncologist.
The tumor didn't shrink any more from round 2 to round 3. But that's not worrisome. Apparently, it'll become a lot more obvious, about what the lump will do once I start the Taxol Chemo, on August 7th.
I also found out that my ovaries are shutting down, and I'm going through menopause. The night sweats, and hot flashes just add that much more "fun" to this whole experience.
The aforementioned weight gain is also part and parcel of the breast cancer experience. My oncologist said that, for whatever reason... Breast cancer patients seem to gain weight, whereas other cancer patients lose weight.
And the hits just keep on coming!
Round 3 really packed a punch.
Mentally, and physically; I am wasted.
The "chemo brain" has gotten steadily worse.
Reading, my #1 favorite pastime, is really hard to do.
I haven't even been able to follow movie plotlines.
I've taken to watching episodes of House Hunters, and Parks and Recreation. I can manage 20 minute segments of time. But that's about it.
My short term memory is abysmal.
But most of all, it is upsetting. I cannot get a handle on organizing things. And any miniscule change in plans sends me in to a tailspin.
I feel like a volcano has taken up residence in my stomach. My tummy is constantly rumbling. The diarrhea is like lava, and burns. And my esophagus hurts too, from the acid reflux. Liquid magma, in both directions!
The fatigue has increased.
I haven't had a lot of bone pain, this time. So, that's something, I suppose?
With each round, it has taken me longer, and longer to pull myself out of the dark pit.
After round 3, it took 9 full days to get to a point where I didn't want to lie in bed 100% of the time.
I honestly, wish I could just sleep through the bad times.
But I can't do that. In fact, coming by a good nights sleep, is nearly impossible. Just imagine, your only option is to be awake, and feel like complete crap?! Yeah. It sucks.
It is so miserable, in fact, that I'm really struggling with forcing myself to go in for round 4!
I'm dreading it.
Last Friday, a week after chemo round 3, my rep from Huntsman called and left a message on my phone. It was just housekeeping stuff. But she asked me to call her back to confirm.
I literally could not.
I could not bring myself to think about the upcoming chemo. Let alone say the word. For the record, I will call her Monday. But the fear was so paralyzing, on Friday!
Even today, uploading this picture, from round 3, made me sick to my stomach.
What's the alternative, you ask? Easy, run screaming for the hills! And even though I am not a nature lover... It's looking like a very attractive option.
So, daily minutia, since round 3:
My most wonderful friend, Lindsay drove down from Boise, ID a few days before round 3. Her equally wonderful Mother, and two kids came with her.
One night, Lindsay and I went out for sushi.
Another night, we took all of the kids to see Minions.
The day of round 3, Lindsay drove me to Chemo.
My sister watched the kids until Nick got home from work.
Then, Nick took the kids to Provo, with my family; for a mini vacation.
Months ago, I had signed up to do the Hobbler half marathon. I talked Jeff and Brian in to doing it too.
The family reserved rooms at the Marriott. Even though I wasn't going to be able to go, Nick was a saint; and decided to still "make a night of it".
Friday night, they had dinner and went swimming at the hotel.
Saturday, Jeff ran the race (Brian changed his mind at the last minute, because his running injury still wasn't healed). And then the Imlay clan went to the BYU campus for some real fun!
The kids got to see sword/fencing demonstrations.
My friend, Lindsay, left on Saturday morning.
Kari, my across-the-street neighbor, came over to take care of me. She ate lunch with me, we watched some TV, and then she put me down for a nap.
Kari also went grocery shopping with me that week. She pushed the cart and walked really slowly so that I could put my purchases in.
My neighbors continue to make up the best "village" a girl could ask for.
If I weren't so exhausted, I'd be embarrassed.
My yard work has been magically taken care of.
Some of the best meals I've ever eaten have been brought to my house!
And my kids are still going on daily playdates, all arranged by the amazing (and very witty, as I discovered by sitting next to her in church today) Pat Gould.
Seriously, every other word out of my mouth has been "Thank You". I am dripping with gratitude.
So, Friday. I will have the final round of Cytoxan and Adriamycin. AKA- the red devil.
It's not lost on me that I have to venture to death's door, in order to be able to live.
Then, I start the Taxol. Starting August 7th, I will have 12 WEEKLY sessions of that particular chemo drug.
The day after I was told that I had cancer, I spoke to a young Mom that had just finished up her yearlong battle. For some reason, I had got it in my head that she had said that she did 11 rounds of Taxol, and that they were easy-peasy!
I kept telling myself that, "if I can make it through the 4 rounds of AC, I'll be on easy street!". Yesterday, was such a crummy day, that I called that fellow breast cancer gal pal. I wanted verbal confirmation that I would, indeed, be in the clear, after I made it through the next infusion.
It nearly killed me to hear that my impression of what she had said was wrong!
Dagger to my heart. Straight up.
The 11 rounds she did, were of a completely different drug.
Right now, I cannot stomach the idea of feeling this terrible for three. more. months!!!!!
Fingers crossed that the Taxol will be an easier road!
Everyone (and their dog) is asking what they can do to help me.
I have next to zero suggestions.
It may turn out that I am going to continue needing extended play dates for my kids?
Guess it's going to be more "wait and see". My least favorite state of being. But hey! After all this, I may learn patience, yet.
5 comments:
Oh, I'm so so sorry! I felt terrible as I was reading how you are feeling and the toll it's taking on your body and brain. I so wish I was there to help you out.
I'm not much help, but you're still in our prayers constantly. You'll be ok.
I don't even know what to say. I wish it didn't have to be so miserable. I wish you didn't have to go through all this. I think about you and pray for you many times a day. If my dog can do anything for you, let me know ;)
Brooke, you ARE fighting cancer! You ARE doing it! Although fighting doesn't seem like much, lying in bed, taking all of the many punches that are coming your way, still, you're doing it! Hang in there, this mountain that you're climbing will be worth it, in the end. I love you and think, pray & cry about you everyday. Hang in there, you will do it! P.S. Maybe listen to music?!
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing all you are learning and going through. I'm sure it doesn't make you feel any better to know you are making a difference in my life, but you definitely are. I'm glad you are getting the treatment you need, and sure hope the dark times are laced with the love of your amazing family and friends.
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