Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow...



The two things I loved most about my appearance: my hair and my smile.

I was having a very difficult time coming to grips with the fact that I was going to lose my hair, after I found out that I had cancer.

 

It has been traumatic, for sure.  But I'm coming around to "owning it".

 

My hair grows SOOOO slowly.  It took me 6 years to grow it to the length it was before chemo. 

And, yes, that was my natural color.

No dye jobs for this girl.

Back in the spring, my hair was getting kind of brittle; and it was growing extra slowly (more so than usual).  I blamed it on my hypothyroidism.  But now, I wonder if it was because of the cancer?

But I was still proud of my long locks.

I had Suzanne (the girlfriend that has been doing my hair since before Nick and I got married!) put in some hair extensions, to boost my volume.   It was awesome.

 

The morning of my MRI, I was frantically pulling the extensions out, because I couldn't keep them on, since they were held in by metal clips.

 

It was the beginning, of the end.

 

My Dad scheduled Imlay family pictures for a few days before I was set to cut my hair.

They turned out beautifully.

I decided that I wanted to lose my hair in stages.
I went for the short faux hawk first.   I'm still trying to decide where to donate all of the hair I cut off?  I'm between Pantene Great Lengths (I've donated to them before), OR Matter of Trust (they use the hair to help clean up ocean oil spills).

I kept that haircut for a lot longer than I thought I would.

All the while, I was accumulating head scarves and hats.

I was taking stock of the head scarves I have (the majority of them have been gifts), and I was over the moon at the fact that they have all come from locations around the globe.
When Nick and I went to Ecuador I purchased two scarves.  They have been sitting in storage for years, but now I've finally been able to use them.
My cousin, Katherine sent me two scarves from London.  Boden, baby!
Helga sent me scarves from Berlin.
NZ Kris sent me scarves from Rotorua.
Stephanie sent scarves from Seattle.
Lindsay brought a scarf from Boise.
Jill gave me a scarf from SLC.  LOL
And Michele gave me a Coach scarf.  Not exotic, but fabulous, nonetheless.
I purchased silk scarves for myself.  Thinking they would feel great.  And they do!  But they do not stay on very well.  I am so grateful for the cotton scarves everyone else gave me.

After Round 1, of chemo, my hair was still "hangin' tough".
I told my oncologist that I was going to be mad, if I didn't lose my hair!
She said I was the first person she'd ever heard say that.
But I figured, there was no way I would have cut it, if I had thought I was going to keep it.

My oncologist also said that her money was on me losing my hair by Tuesday.

Monday night, I went to Suzanne's house, and asked her to buzz my head.

Suzzanne said it was the first time she'd ever buzzed a girl's head.

A lot of firsts, where my hair was involved!

Suzanne got teary, as she removed my hair.  She started reminiscing about all of the things she's done to my hair, over the years.  Perms.  Extensions.  The like.
It was tough.

And, sure enough!  Tuesday morning.  The hair started coming out:

In the shower, I lost so much that it stopped up the drain.
Cleaning it out was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

I've been bald-ish for nearly a month, now, and it still shocks me EVERY time I look in the mirror.
I don't recognize myself.

For the first two weeks I was sporting a permanent hat.  Even while I slept.
The sensation of a breeze on my scalp was uncomfortable.  I still don't love it.
One morning, I wore my hat running.  It was soaked with sweat by the time I finished.
The next morning I said, "screw this".  And I became the bald runner.

These days, at home, I rarely cover my head.
My kids don't give me a second look.  Reagan is a lot more comfortable with my new "look" than she was at first.  Katherine ordered and sent my kids "chemo Barbies".  They're kinda creepy, but at least it doesn't make me the only bald lady in the house.  Ha ha.

Here are pictures from the wig shopping trip:

The ones above, where just for funsies.  The ones below were the final contenders:



I ended up going with the one on the right.

Helga and Bob gifted the wig to me.  So kind.

I sent them a handwritten Thank You.  But Helga said the mail in Berlin is really screwy right now.  So, they may not get it?  I hope they do.  It meant a lot.

 

I have worn my wig a handful of times. 

Right now, with the menopause/hot flashes it is just so much easier to go "Au Naturale".

 

On the bright side, we're going through a lot less shampoo and conditioner.

 

So far, I have kept my eyebrows and eyelashes.  My arm hair too.

I still have to shave my legs.  But not my underarms.

Years ago, I had laser hair removal on my bikini line.  One of the best investments I've ever made.  And I am going to be really pissed off if I have "full regrowth" when my hair returns!  While I'm on that topic...  I should have had a Brazilian bikini wax done before I started chemo.  Losing the hair below the belt was itchy misery for several days.

 

All of the hair on the top of my head has not entirely fallen out.  I'm still sporting some dark peach fuzz.  I really wouldn't mind bic-ing it.  But my oncology nurse told me not too.  She said that, since my white blood cell count is so low, and I'm more susceptible to infection, I should not get a razor anywhere near my head because I could nick myself, or get an ingrown hair; and the last thing I need is for my body to have to fight an infection.  Even one as little as that.

 

Right after I buzzed my head, my Dad, Brother, and Brother-in-law all shaved their heads too.  Nick was eager to jump in to the fray as well.  But I begged him not to.  I appreciate that he wanted to display a show of solidarity; but I love his head of hair.  I also told him not to get a pair of clippers anywhere near Cohen's head either.  

 

So, there's the look I'm stuck with for the next few months.

I need to send a "shout out" to my Mom, and say thank you, for having an ugly mole removed from my scalp when I was 5 years old.  I have been really grateful for that.

I may look puffy.

I may have bags underneath my eyes.

I may be bald.

 

But at least I still have my great smile!

And it will be very interesting to see how my head hair regrowth happens?  I've heard that the majority of people experience a change in their hair.  Be it, color, or texture. After it comes back, following chemo.

 

If my body is taking requests...  I'd like to keep the same dark color, but I'd love to have curly hair.  Next time around.

Super Size Me?



My title is relevant for two reasons.

#1, because I cannot make a decision as simple as, "do you want fries with that?".

#2, because I gained 10 pounds over the course of two weeks.

 

Not a lot of good news came out of my last appointment with the oncologist.

The tumor didn't shrink any more from round 2 to round 3.  But that's not worrisome.  Apparently, it'll become a lot more obvious, about what the lump will do once I start the Taxol Chemo, on August 7th.

I also found out that my ovaries are shutting down, and I'm going through menopause.  The night sweats, and hot flashes just add that much more "fun" to this whole experience.

The aforementioned weight gain is also part and parcel of the breast cancer experience.  My oncologist said that, for whatever reason... Breast cancer patients seem to gain weight, whereas other cancer patients lose weight.

And the hits just keep on coming!

 

Round 3 really packed a punch.

Mentally, and physically; I am wasted.

 

The "chemo brain" has gotten steadily worse.

Reading, my #1 favorite pastime, is really hard to do.

I haven't even been able to follow movie plotlines.

I've taken to watching episodes of House Hunters, and Parks and Recreation.  I can manage 20 minute segments of time.  But that's about it.

 

My short term memory is abysmal.

But most of all, it is upsetting.  I cannot get a handle on organizing things.  And any miniscule change in plans sends me in to a tailspin.

 

I feel like a volcano has taken up residence in my stomach.  My tummy is constantly rumbling.  The diarrhea is like lava, and burns.  And my esophagus hurts too, from the acid  reflux.  Liquid magma, in both directions!

 

The fatigue has increased.

I haven't had a lot of bone pain, this time.  So, that's something, I suppose?

 

With each round, it has taken me longer, and longer to pull myself out of the dark pit.

After round 3, it took 9 full days to get to a point where I didn't want to lie in bed 100% of the time.

I honestly, wish I could just sleep through the bad times.

But I can't do that.  In fact, coming by a good nights sleep, is nearly impossible.   Just imagine, your only option is to be awake, and feel like complete crap?!  Yeah.  It sucks.

 

It is so miserable, in fact, that I'm really struggling with forcing myself to go in for round 4!

I'm dreading it.

 

Last Friday, a week after chemo round 3, my rep from Huntsman called and left a message on my phone.  It was just housekeeping stuff.  But she asked me to call her back to confirm.

I literally could not.

I could not bring myself to think about the upcoming chemo.  Let alone say the word.  For the record, I will call her Monday.  But the fear was so paralyzing, on Friday!

 

Even today, uploading this picture, from round 3, made me sick to my stomach.

I really, really, really do not want to voluntarily subject myself to one more round of this stuff.  It's not going to be easy to make the drive up to HCI on Friday morning.
What's the alternative, you ask?   Easy, run screaming for the hills!  And even though I am not a nature lover... It's looking like a very attractive option.

So, daily minutia, since round 3:
My most wonderful friend, Lindsay drove down from Boise, ID a few days before round 3.  Her equally wonderful Mother, and two kids came with her.
One night, Lindsay and I went out for sushi.
Another night, we took all of the kids to see Minions.

The day of round 3, Lindsay drove me to Chemo.
My sister watched the kids until Nick got home from work.
Then, Nick took the kids to Provo, with my family; for a mini vacation.

Months ago, I had signed up to do the Hobbler half marathon.  I talked Jeff and Brian in to doing it too.
The family reserved rooms at the Marriott.   Even though I wasn't going to be able to go, Nick was a saint; and decided to still "make a night of it".
Friday night, they had dinner and went swimming at the hotel.
Saturday, Jeff ran the race (Brian changed his mind at the last minute, because his running injury still wasn't healed).  And then the Imlay clan went to the BYU campus for some real fun!

The kids got to see sword/fencing demonstrations.

And they made a stop at the BYU Creamery.

All in all, the perfect way for the kids to spend the weekend!  I wish I could have been there.

My friend, Lindsay, left on Saturday morning.
Kari, my across-the-street neighbor, came over to take care of me.  She ate lunch with me, we watched some TV, and then she put me down for a nap.
Kari also went grocery shopping with me that week.  She pushed the cart and walked really slowly so that I could put my purchases in.

My neighbors continue to make up the best "village" a girl could ask for.
If I weren't so exhausted, I'd be embarrassed.
My yard work has been magically taken care of.
Some of the best meals I've ever eaten have been brought to my house!
And my kids are still going on daily playdates, all arranged by the amazing (and very witty, as I discovered by sitting next to her in church today) Pat Gould.

Seriously, every other word out of my mouth has been "Thank You".  I am dripping with gratitude.

So, Friday.  I will have the final round of Cytoxan and Adriamycin.  AKA- the red devil.
It's not lost on me that I have to venture to death's door, in order to be able to live.

Then, I start the Taxol.  Starting August 7th, I will have 12 WEEKLY sessions of that particular chemo drug.
The day after I was told that I had cancer, I spoke to a young Mom that had just finished up her yearlong battle.  For some reason, I had got it in my head that she had said that she did 11 rounds of Taxol, and that they were easy-peasy!
I kept telling myself that, "if I can make it through the 4 rounds of AC, I'll be on easy street!".  Yesterday, was such a crummy day, that I called that fellow breast cancer gal pal.  I wanted verbal confirmation that I would, indeed, be in the clear, after I made it through the next infusion.
It nearly killed me to hear that my impression of what she had said was wrong!

Dagger to my heart.  Straight up.

The 11 rounds she did, were of a completely different drug.

Right now, I cannot stomach the idea of feeling this terrible for three. more. months!!!!!
Fingers crossed that the Taxol will be an easier road!

Everyone (and their dog) is asking what they can do to help me.
I have next to zero suggestions.

It may turn out that I am going to continue needing extended play dates for my kids?
Guess it's going to be more "wait and see".  My least favorite state of being.  But hey!  After all this, I may learn patience, yet.

 



The Light.

It's wondrous how I can go from feeling so bleak, to feeling well in a short amount of time.

By last Friday, I had spent 7 days feeling beat-down.
It is discouraging.  And it makes it really difficult to find any good in the world.

Saturday, though, I woke up feeling well.
It was Independence Day.
Very fitting.

I talked Heather in to going to Grantsville.
Heather and Jeff did the bulk of the work, and let me just relax and visit.
We took the kids to the parade.
And then we went back to my Grandma's house, and had lunch.
It was a hot day, but a perfect one too.
I had energy.
And I was able to visit with my family.  My cousin, Julie, was visiting from Florida.  I burst in to tears when I hugged her, because I was so happy to see her.
It's amazing how good company can buoy my spirits.

Reagan had a hard day, but Heather was amazing with her, as you can see:

 

 

Sunday, I felt well enough to go to church.

I can say with certainty, that it is the prayers being said on my behalf, that are the reason I am able to do anything normal.

In Relief Society, the women's portion of the meeting, the instructor lead a discussion about the Light of Christ.

It was such a well-crafted lesson.  And just what I needed to hear.

 

That which is of God is light;

and he that receiveth light,

and continueth in God,

receiveth more light;

and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day.

D&C 50:24

 

It hit me, on so many levels.

God's light is never far away from me.

 

So many people are sharing their light with me.

Even though I feel like I'm in the dark, after Chemo, it's not pitch black.

 

I'm halfway through the "bad" chemo.

That's something!

 

 

And I'd be remiss if I didn't acknowledge all of the tender mercies, I'm experiencing.

Nick is being the best caregiver, a girl could ask for. 

My Mom is sending her cleaning lady, to clean my house, once a week.  It has been such a blessing.

My family, immediate, and extended; have been so helpful.

I don't know what I'd do without my siblings, and their spouses?

My neighbors.  Seriously, I live in the best neighborhood.  They have been caring for my children.  Giving them the fun summer experiences that I can't provide, at the moment.

My friends.  They're all clamoring to come help.

I am so, so blessed.

 

I've always loved President Kimball's quote, "God does notice us, and He watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs."

Those words have been particularly poignant to me lately.  Go figure?!

I have an entire village meeting my needs.  It's almost unreal.  And for that, I am grateful. 

I can face round 3, with the red devil, with a stout heart.

 

Maybe I do have a little Pollyanna in me, after all.



Pollyanna, I Am Not.

Pure misery. 
That's the only way I can describe the last round of chemo.

I tried to put a sugary spin on things, and would say things like, "tomorrow WILL be better".  But to myself, that sentiment sounded really stupid.
I'm not an innately "sunshine and hearts"-type personality.
Tell it like it is.
Pukey, pukey.  Chemo sucks.
And I don't want to do it again.
I will do it again.
But that doesn't mean I have to want to.

I can't even put a finger on what the worst thing is.  There are so many "worst things".

The day-of, and the day-after chemo were OK.
But then I had that rapid descent in to hell, once again.

I thought I might be lucky enough to avoid massive food aversions, because that didn't really happen during the first round.
This time?  No such luck.
I was hungry.  But NOTHING sounded good.  Not even meat.

And again, I can't pinpoint the absolute hardest part about the chemo symptoms, but I'd say that it was a tie between: lack of focus, and nausea.

On Wednesday night I came to the conclusion that I will probably never be able to go on a cruise.
After the first round of chemo, Wednesday was my "turning point" day.  So, I expected it to be the same way this time.  But by Wednesday of round 2, I was still feeling really ill.
I have got to figure out someway to get rid of expectations!  Not meeting them, is killing me.  But again, it's just something about my personality.  I've never been a good "roll with the punches" kind of gal.
Anyway, cruise ships.
I spent the ENTIRE night, Wednesday, feeling like I was in the middle of a storm at sea.

Around 12:30AM, I woke up and yelled at Nick for making the bed move.
I seriously thought he was kicking the mattress, or something; and making constant wave motions.  Turns out, he wasn't.  I had to apologize to him, the next morning.

A little after 1AM, I decided that maybe a change of scenery would help me sleep better.  I was aiming for our downstairs guest bedroom, but changed my mind halfway down the hall, because I didn't want to navigate the stairs on legs that weren't seaworthy.
I opted for the couch, in the family room, instead.
I did manage to catch a few zzz's.  But eventually, the seasick feeling hit me again.  I literally, grabbed on to the upholstery on the couch, and was hanging on for dear life.  I thought, for sure, I was going to be spun right off the sofa.
Fortunately, I survived.  But, man alive!  I am not having a good time.

The one thing I'm dealing with, after this round, that I won't have to deal with again; is the hair loss.
AND IT HURTS LIKE THE DICKENS!
I mean, yes, my scalp is tender.  But my emotions about losing my hair are far more tender.
I do cry, every time I think about it.  Or, every time I see myself in the mirror.
I've taken to wearing a hat.  Full time.

The brain fog is awful too.
I literally cannot organize anything.  It truly hurts to think.
I feel like a bumbling idiot.
I have to consult the play-date calendar my amazingly-gracious neighbor put together, for my kids, multiple times a day to know where my children are; and even then! I can't recall it 5 seconds after I look at it.
There was a hiccup in the schedule one day, and I could not wrap my brain around it.  I could not access my organizational skill-set enough to fix a simple snafu.  It was really upsetting.
And that's just it.  EVERY little thing, in life, is so much more upsetting to me, all of the sudden.
Lunch is not ready precisely at noon?  I fall apart.

My friend, Janetta warned me about this.  And I am glad she did.
At least that means I can identify the fact that I'm freaking out for no reason.  But it doesn't make it any easier to live with.

So, if you have spoken to me; and I seem like a looney-lady?  It's because I am.
I know I've given people incorrect information.
I know I haven't responded to phone calls, or texts.
I know I have made plans, and then haven't followed through.
I know I haven't properly thanked so many people that have done nice things for me.

And it's weighing on me.  Being like that is atypical of my personality.
But that this point, all I can do is offer a feeble apology.  I wish I had the energy to do more.
Chemo's getting me down.

All of that being said....  I'm not a total sad-sack.
In my darkest moments, I would focus on the comment that Jill made, when she told me to "fight like hell, girl!".
I may not know how to turn everything in to lollipops and rainbows.  But I do know how to fight.

2CM is HUGE!

My little brother took me to chemo on 6/26.

Even though I knew what was coming, I was still having feelings of high anxiety.

Surprising.  Or maybe not?

I don't know whether to hope that I get used to sitting in the infusion chair, or not?

 

So, before round two my oncologist measured my tumor, and declared that it was 2cm's smaller!

Way to go, chemo!

At least I can tell that I'm not suffering through this for nothing.

 

And that week leading up to my second round was nothing short of miraculous. 

I felt great.

One night, two neighbor girls babysat, for FREE, so that Nick and I could go to the movies.

 

Heather and I took our kids to see Home at the Kaysville Theater, another day that week.  By the end of the week I was telling people that I was functioning at "100% Mom-capacity"! 

It was nice to be able to walk around in the land of the living.

 

And it was even nicer to be able to have my kids near me for most of the day.

 

Although, during my bad weeks, I know my kids are being well cared for.  I get cute pictures like this:

 

And yes.  Reagan is still  functioning well.
She has been playing her little heart out!
One day, last week, she came home and had to take a nap.
She fell asleep on Nick's back.  He was a good sport, and allowed her to snooze there for a long time.

The other day, Reagan and I did have this conversation though:
Reagan: "Can Dad's get cancer?".
Me: "Yes.  But I don't think your Dad will get cancer.".
Reagan: "If Dad gets cancer, who will take care of us?"

Ouch.

On the flip side, Reagan has been the most excited to greet me every morning; and is jubilant when I tell her that I am feeling better.

And then, there's Elsa.
She has definitely been having the hardest time, of the three kids.
That surprised me.
Elsa is my "mini-me", and as such; knows which "buttons to push" to get to Nick.  And push them, she has.  She's been lighting Nick's annoy-o-meter up like a Christmas tree!
I'm not really sure what to do with her?
I guess the only thing I can do, is love her.

She did inform me that she doesn't want to take any more art classes.
Holy exasperation!
She is so talented! 
But the last thing I need, is another thing to fight with her about...
If I had to guess, I'd say that she doesn't want to go anymore because she doesn't have any friends in her class?
Maybe, after school starts I can convince one of my neighborhood friend/fellow Mom's to enroll one of their little girls' in the class too?
For now, though, Elsa's art class attendance is going to be on hold.

And, just because.

Elsa.  The selfie-master.

My Dad had surgery to repair his hernia.
I asked my Mom if they would be able to perform it laparoscopically, and  she said, no.  The hernia was so big, that they had to totally cut him open, and reinforce the muscle with mesh.  Poor Dad.
And, in typical Dad fashion...  He was back to work, and overdoing it, three days later.
Sound like anyone else I know?
Hmmm....  Yep.  I'm definitely my Father's Daughter.

Also, during my good week, my parents hosted a swimming party.
I realize this post is in no particular order.
It's that whole "loss of organization" I'm experiencing.
I just loaded the pictures up, and let the chips fall where they may.

So yeah, pool party.
The youth in my parents' ward had an auction to earn money for their summer camps, respectively.  One of the things my parents won was a pool party in a neighbors backyard.

It was a good time all around.

I didn't get in the water.
Nick didn't make me.
As the years pass, I become more pleased in my choice of husband.  He has done a really good job of taking care of me lately.
And the kids too.

Folks, I think we have a winner!  Husband of the year, for sure!

Now I Know.

The five days following Chemo left me feeling like I'd been hit by a train.  Emotionally, and physically.

But it life been significantly better since those days.

 

On Thursday, Nick's Mom and sister came up.  We took the kids to the local splash pad.

In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have done that.  Way too much heat, and activity.

 

Friday, Nick had inventory at the pharmacy.  So, he left the house around 6:30AM.

I was able to get the crew, myself included, dressed and ready for the day.

I dropped the kids off at play dates, and I did my Visiting Teaching.

Then, Kristie and I went to lunch.

It felt SO good to get out of the house!

 

And for those of you wondering?  My kids are doing remarkably well!

Reagan has been handling things, the best of the three.  Surprise, surprise!

I think it is because I am sending her to play "solo".  Cohen and Elsa head to neighbors' houses together, and Reagan goes by herself.

Maybe it is the result of the new medication she is on?

But I like to think that it is due to a priesthood blessing our (so amazing, there is no vocabulary word good enough to describe him) Bishop/Religious clergyperson pronounced on Nick.  Our bishop said that, "our children would feel peace".  And they do.

Reagan, on two occasions, has gone to neighbor-Lori's house.  And both Reagan, and I have fallen in love!

Lori has been so good to Reagan!

Really, I don't want to discount the service that anyone has given me.  I feel a bit badly about singling one person out.  But I was so pleasantly surprised by Reagan's reaction to Lori, that I wanted to note it.

Lori doesn't have any young children left at home.  And Reagan has just bonded to Lori.  Lori says it is because she lets Reagan hold her son's pet python, and Reagan plays with Lori's cat.  But I think there is more to it than that?

 

So, Saturday.

Nick had to work.

My kids went to play.  And I called my parents.  My Dad chauffeured me around on errands.  We went grocery shopping.

I now know where to go if I'm feeling lonely on a Saturday...

Apparently, half of my neighborhood is always doing their grocery shopping at the local Smith's, on Saturday's.  It was pretty funny, how many people I saw there during my shopping trip.

 

Sunday was Father's Day.

Nick is my "dream guy".  And I was feeling pretty badly that I wasn't going to be able to give him the perfect day.

I did manage to wake up early, and I made him breakfast.

I tried to take care of everything else around the house that day.  By 6PM I had run out of gas.  Nick put the kids in their PJ's, and got the kids in bed.  But he told me that it was a good day for him.

 

Monday was a miracle day.

I woke up feeling great!

I went on a run.

I ran my first mile in 9:20.  Which is self-respecting.

My muscles still know what to do.  But in to mile 2 my throat was on fire.  My mouth was so dry, and all I could think about what quenching the burning sensation in my throat.  I've never had to run with water before, on short runs.  But it looks like I am going to have to start.

My second most favorite moment of the day came at the beginning of my run.  As I headed up through the church parking lot I noticed a bunch of cars.  This is not unusual, because there's an aerobics class that meets in the mornings, in the gym of the church.

As I got closer, I realized that on this particular morning, the cars were there to be loaded with camping gear and teenage girls, because the girls from my neighborhood were heading out on their annual girls camp, camping trip.

The girls, and their leaders were all busy packing.  And as I ran past, one of my neighbor's, Joy, looked at me.

She had to do a double-take.

This has been a very common occurrence lately.  So many people don't recognize me with the short hair.  And I am sure it will get worse, once I'm bald.

Anyway, after she realized that it was me... Joy started cheering, and so did several other girls.

It was so fun!  It left a huge grin on my face!

 

My first-favorite moment of the day was after I got home from my run, and had showered.  I was doing Reagan's hair, and she turned on some music.  Her choice?  Taylor Swift's Shake it Off.   All of the kids came in the bathroom and we were all dancing.  Then, we moved to the dining room, and Reagan turned on Eye of the Tiger. and the "Dance Party" continued.

 

Elsa took a picture of us to commemorate the occasion:



I was so ecstatic to have that "normal" moment.
The kids did go on a play date again, this morning.  The few hours that they were gone gave me time to focus on a couple of the (many) tasks that were backlogged on my "to-do" list; from being out of the game last week.  I was able to balance the checkbook, do the budget, and pay bills.
It felt like a normal day.
That being said, I'm not 100%.  Even still, I have to take a 20 minute break, after I do something that used to seem like a trivial activity, like vacuuming the floor.

I picked up my kids from the neighbors house, and Jill came over, with her kids; to visit.  It was a great way to spend the afternoon.  And I have to say, that I think I have hugged Jill more, in the last two weeks, than I have our entire life prior (we've known each other since we were 4 years old!)!

For dinner, Nick's parents, and Brian; came up and brought the meal.
Afterward, everyone moved outside.  The kids took scooter rides.  I watered my flowers.  And Kay commented along the lines of: the fact that it was so surprising to her that I was functioning this well, and that I am having chemo, and you'd think I should be spending all of my time in bed!
I've had several people make comments similar.  ie- that they are so shocked to see me "in the land of the living".
I have been giddy about it, myself.
I told my neighbor, Lisa, that I could easily take 5 bad days, if it meant that I'd have a week+ of good days.  Lisa's seen, firsthand, a friend that went through cancer/chemo treatments; and she told me that each chemo treatment does "hit a little harder" each time.
It makes sense. 
I went in to my first treatment feeling 100%.
Friday, I will be a little more worse for wear, than I was the first time around.
I know Lisa wasn't trying to rain on my parade.  She was being pragmatic, and I appreciate her for it.
I need to have realistic expectations.
Because, if I go in to the next round with the mentality that I will be fully functional, by day 5; and then it doesn't happen?  I will be devastated!

So.  For today, I am grateful.  What an amazingly wonderful day it was.
I am hopeful, that I will be able to be on full-time Mom duty for the rest of the week!
And next week, I already know.  No exercise.  And maybe more days of "bad". 
But there will be good days on the horizon.  And that's an exciting prospect!

Assessments After Round 1.

Nausea?  Check.
Fatigue?  Check.

Hair loss?  Not yet.

There's also been: dry mouth, wicked-bad acid reflux, trouble remembering words; and my sharp organizational skills have taken a vacation.
Bone pain, especially in my hips (at least, up until I had an energy healing session, and then the hip pain went away).
Painful acne around my mouth.
My nose is constantly runny.
My hands are perpetually shaky!  And my already horrendous handwriting has turned in to chicken-scratches.  It was difficult to write a grocery list.

The mouth sores came on really quickly, but that didn't surprise me.  My poor mouth has always been tender.  I'm allergic to strawberries, and whenever I eat them my gums swell.  Strange, I know.  But I as soon as I read that mouth sores were a symptom of chemo, I knew I'd be getting them.

I constantly feel like I am melting, and sweat profusely.
It is the first time in my entire life that I have not longed to move to a warmer clime!  In fact, if it weren't for this whole cancer thing...  I'd be packing our bags, and telling my friend, Stephanie, to prepare her couch, because we'd be moving to Seattle for the summer!  But if I didn't have cancer, I probably wouldn't be roasting hot....  Whatever.  You get the idea.

I'll take the non-stop diarrhea.  Just because it means I am not constipated.  I think constipation is the worse, of the two.

Jenny gave me a book called, What to Eat if You Have Cancer.  It advocates for a vegetarian diet. 
Strangely, though, I have been CRAVING meat.  Give me protein!
I'm siding with the beef, I figure my body is trying to tell me what it needs?  And it hasn't made me throw up.
Conversely, my tastes have changed a bit.  I've never been a huge chocolate fan. But these days, chocolate is gross. And then, there was the morning that I poured myself a bowl of Honey Comb cereal... I took one bite & gagged. Disgusting. It tasted NOTHING like what I remember it tasting like, just a few short weeks ago.
The nausea seems to come on strong in the middle of the night.  Nice.
And when I'm in the car.

Also, my sense of smell has been heightened.  Ugh.

So far, chemo has seemed like it's making me re-live all of the worst side-effects I experienced during pregnancy.  If it weren't so icky, it'd be almost comical.

More From the Roller Coaster.

The last post I wrote, bugged me, all night.

I felt like I sounded like a complete ingrate.  And I am not.

I feel the full weight of love coming from everyone that cares about me.  At every turn, I am bowled over by it.
Yesterday, I cried because I was inundated with video's of my kids at swimming lessons, that other friend/Mom's sent to me.
Other Mom's KNOW. 
Literally, I was sent the same clip of Cohen jumping off the diving board; by three different ladies (from three different angles), because other Mom's just know the moments that are most precious, and they didn't want me to miss it.
Tears were freely flowing down my face, as I listened to these other Mom's, behind the video camera's; cheering my Cohen (and later Elsa) on!  I could hear the genuine concern in Jaimee Buckley's (one of the Mom's that recorded a video) voice, as she directed the swim instructor to make sure he caught Elsa. 
So much of the time, I cannot put in to words the deep feelings I am experiencing.  And that isn't typical for me.

So, heartfelt "Thank You-s" are going to be constantly spewing from my mouth.

Thank you, Swim Mom's; that watched over my children, this week.
Thank you, Grandma, for lifting my spirits with a phone visit.
Thank you, Heather and Jeff for hanging out at my house on Tuesday.
Thank you, Mom and Jenny for watching Cohen and Elsa.
Thank you, neighborhood Mom's that have cared for my children this week.
Thank you, Brenda, for the chemo bag, and surprise goodies in the mail.
Thank you, Spencer and Korie, for the Oreos and movies.
Thank you, Nick, for taking care of me.


I still feel like I'm stuck on a crazy roller coaster, though.  Ever thankful, and very irritated AT THE SAME TIME!  Crazy, changing emotions.  And difficulty focusing.  I'll be so happy when this ride is done.

As a "Gen-X-er", I never really gave the whole "Reality bites" mentality; much credence.  But it's got a bit of my attention lately...
After a lot of contemplation, here's my deal:
I think I was am in denial.  I knew I was going to have Chemo.  I freely told people that my first 4 rounds of Chemo were going to be the "bad, lose my hair, puke my guts out" kind.  But deep down, I honestly believed that I was going to be the exception.
There is not a single aspect of my life that I wanted to lose control over.
I had it in my head that nothing was really going to change.

I started out telling myself that I really wanted to hang on to doing the laundry.  And the list kept growing.  I was set on not relinquishing the grocery shopping, bill paying, running (at least 3 miles), and more.

I had those two weeks, prior to chemo starting, that I was using as (obviously, an unrealistic) baseline.  I was tired, but still able to maintain our normal family lifestyle.  And I 100% bought in to the idea that walking around with Cancer was probably the same thing as walking around while being on chemo.
It's not.
And I hate that.

It is really hard for me to realize that I will not be able to have Chemo, take a few days "off", and then just jump back in to normal life.

And, Yep.  Even after writing all of this; I'm still not convinced that I want to give up a single-iota of responsibility.
Reality may not be my ideal, at the moment.  But darn-skippy if nothing is going to keep me from running Elsa to Art class today, and heading to the grocery store.

Haze.

I had been told, and was fully anticipating that Sunday would be my "bad" day.

By no means, was it a picnic.  But I was able to eat, and function.

And I totally thought, "this is going to be a cake-walk"!

 

Monday, I was a little more worse for wear.

My bones hurt.

But that's kind of a good thing.

 

24 hours after every round of chemo, I will need to have a shot of neulasta.  It helps my body produce more white-blood cells; which I need.

Initially, Huntsman had tried to arrange for me to go to McKay Dee to get my neulasta shot.  But I wasn't keen on this idea.  Gee, I wonder why?

I was more OK with driving back to HCI, to have the injection administered.  But, because they are so great at HCI, they didn't want me to have to complete a 1.5 hour roundtrip journey just to get the shot.

I asked if they could just send the vial home with me, and my little brother RN could give me the inoculation?  But that wasn't an option.

 

They did manage to find an ideal solution for me, though.

There's a new little device, that is implanted on your arm.  It sticks you with a needle, and when the needles withdraws, it leaves a catheter inside of your tissue.  It's set on a timer, and 27 hours after activation the reservoir drains the neulasta in to your body.

It was really annoying to wear (there was a green blinking light that went off every 5 seconds); but I know it did its job, because my bones hurt.

My bones hurt, because the neulasta is telling my bone marrow to make more white blood cells.

Mission accomplished.

 

 

Cohen and Elsa did swimming lessons for a week and a half.

I was able to go to their first 5 lessons.

And I thought I might be able to sneak over and watch them for their last one?

But I couldn't.

On Monday, I wasn't feeling great.  But I wasn't feeling nasty either.
There was the bone pain, a bit of nausea.  But I was bound-and determined to get back in the saddle.
So, bright-and-early, Tuesday morning; I put on my running shoes; and headed out.
I jogged with my friend Shanel.
We made it about 1.5 miles before I had to walk.
We walked home, and I felt like I was moving headlong in to a haze.  I've been wandering around in a state of fogginess ever since.  I'm not even sure if, even now, my blog post(s) are cohesive???

There was so much pressure in my head.
I couldn't get my ears to pop.
I was wiped out for the rest of the day.

Last night, I found out that my Dad has a really bad Hernia, and will need surgery to fix it ASAP.  That was a huge emotional blow for me, because my Dad has been one figure that I have been so dependent on!
Last night, my sleep was fitful.
I had the worst drymouth.
I woke up dry-heaving.  And have had non-stop diarrhea.
I forgot to give Reagan her anti-anxiety meds last night; and she was a puddle of tears all morning.
The bone pain in my hips makes me not want to move.
I am stinky, because I haven't had the energy to shower.
I am pretty sure my hair is starting to come out, because even as I sit here and type; I run my fingers through the strands, and a lot of them are falling on to the keyboard.
I miss my kids, like crazy.
And life just stinks today.

But IT will be better tomorrow.
Lesson learned.
Don't overdo it.
And continue to channel the anger in to energy.
Pull myself up by the bootstraps.

1st Round Done.

Things were quite eventful, leading up to my first round of Chemo.

 

I was so moved to gratitude, when I received an email from Nick's grandma, Helga.  She, and Nick's Grandpa are living in Berlin right now.  Helga sent me some gorgeous, luxurious silk, to use as scarves.  Which was a generous act, by itself.  But on top of that, Helga said that Nick's Grandpa wanted to contribute toward the cost of buying me a wig.

I had been OK with the idea of not having one.  Or, of just getting a cheap thing from a costume store.

But I am so glad that Bob and Helga gave me that gift.

 

Nick's Mom, Kay, and his Sister, Jessee, and I went wig shopping.  We made a "girls night out" of it!  I narrowed the choices down to a sassy red wig, or a long blonde-ish one.

I'll debut pictures of my choice, next week-ish; when I'm feeling more like being photographed.

 

At every turn, I am feeling so touched by the kind gestures that are being shown to me.

 

 

The day before Chemo, I talked my Mom in to waking up very early.  We left the house at 5AM.  She and I went to the LDS temple (the one that Nick and I were married in); to luxuriate in the peaceful, spiritual feeling that permeates that building.

I had put out a last-minute message to other family members, that I was going.  And I was overjoyed to find that my Aunt Vickie, my uncle Scott, my cousin Chelsea, my Aunt Karen, my Aunt Denise, and my cousin Sophia all made it there to be with me.

I know that they all had to have been up around 3:30AM to make it there.

And that is love.

That is family.

That is MY family.

 

It was a wonderful way to start off, what turned out to be a plain-old-wonderful day.

 

I had been fretting about what to do with Reagan, since she wouldn't be able to go to the Children's Center for the Social Skills class.

Turns out, I only had to worry about it for a short time, because on Thursday, Reagan's 1st grade teacher messaged me.

Mrs. Robinson quelled my fears and frustration and volunteered to take Reagan, once a week, to work with her.  It could not be any more ideal.

Mrs. Robinson knows what Reagan is capable of.  Mrs. Robinson loves Reagan!  This is a far better outcome than I could have ever imagined!

 

 

Also, on this day; Elsa started an art class at Hands On Art.

I have expended so much energy, and brain power; trying to figure out what my little Elsa's "Niche" is.  Swimming?  No. Basketball? No. Running? No. Dance? No. Music? No.

The list is long.

But eureka!  I think we found it!

This girl loves art!

Can you believe she cranked that masterpiece out all by herself, on her first try with pastels?!  I was very impressed!  And I hope art continue to pique her interest.
She's not off the hook, when it comes to athletics, by any means.  Seriously, that girl is the most athletic of my three kids, and it would be a shame to see it go to waste.  But for now, I'll be happy with the art development, and I'll nurture it too.


So, Friday.
Chemo day 1.
I took two Valium, to prepare for the clip implantation.
Any way you slice it, it sucks.
But I survived.

The surprising part was the accessing of my port.
I had been scared to death of that.
But I hardly felt anything!
Getting labs drawn, and getting the IV drugs was a breeze!  Far better than having them use veins in my arm.

It was a 7 hour day at Huntsman.
After they drew my labs, they got me settled in infusion seat 8A:

And Nick and I did a lot of waiting.
There were two different IV bags full of steroids and anti-nausea drugs. 
Then, I had to have three syringe's of a chemo drug administered by hand.  The liquid looked like red kool-aid; and the nurse said they call it the "red devil".
Nick and I watched McFarland USA (my new favorite movie); Nick went and bought lunch, and I dozed off.  I think I slept through the last bag of IV medication that they gave me.

I am in love with the pink blanket, that my friend, Amy made for me.  It will be joining me on all of my chemo excursions.

And, that was it.
I walked out of the building, we got in the car, and I drove home.
No worse for wear.  Or, at least that's how I felt...

My kids spent the night at Nick's parent's house.

I cam home and went to bed.  I was pretty tired.
That first night I suffered from night-sweats.  Oh my goodness, I hope this puts me through menopause now, so I don't have to endure hot-flashes again!
Also, my urine was red, from the chemo drugs.  Weird.

Saturday morning, I woke up and was actually hungry.
Nick took me to get an Acai Bowl, from Braza Bowlz.  Not his first choice, but he's a good man, like that.
My kids came home, and my parents took them for the remainder of the day, and for Sunday too.

I was fatigued, but still feeling pretty good.

When I found out I was going to need chemo, I logged on to Netflix and re-watched the Parenthood episode, where Monica Potter's character has her 1st round of chemo.  Because, you know, television shows that need ratings are going to provide the most realistic re-enactments of real-life drama, right?!
It had me convinced that I'd be puking by the toilet, for hours on end.
Straight-up, after that, I asked my doctor if I could get some Marinol.  She said, "no".
Turns out, TV depicts chemotherapy the same way they do childbirth.  Heavy on the over-dramatization, and nothing whatsoever that resembles real life.  Go figure?

Mullings

In a few weeks, when I lose my hair, should I change my profile pictures, on Instagram, Yelp, and IMapMyRun; to ones that reflect my current appearance?
It will be a LONG time, before I have long hair again!

Would people mind lending me DVD's of good movies to watch, while I'm doing Chemo, and for the time after chemo when I'm not up to doing much?  My oncology nurse said that most people find it difficult to read when their brains are in the chemo-induced-foggy state.  Reading is my first choice, when I need a quiet activity.  Watching movies is in second place.

And, Fillings and Emulsions.
Seriously, it is the best bakery on the face of the planet!  No lie.  The proprietor, and pastry chef is Cuban.  He makes an orgasmic Cuban sandwich, wrapped in a puff pastry.  His scones (the real ones, not the "Utah" version) are nothing to sneeze at either!  Put a lime-blueberry scone on the plate that holds my last meal on earth!
Anyway, the lovely lady that works the counter, and waits on customers knows my situation; and she said that if any of my friends come in to the bakery, she will make sure to send a treat for me, home with them.  Just let her know that you're Brooke's buddy. :)
It's a win/win situation.  You get to try an amazing bakery, and I get a goodie too!  And I believe they still give a complimentary macaroon to new customers!
I realize that, very soon, I may not be wanting bakery fare.  Dry toast may be more "up my alley".  However, since Filings and Emulsions offered; I figured it would hurt to take them up on it, and put this information "out there".
Please, don't go out of your way to patronize this establishment (it's in a pretty ghetto area of Salt Lake City.  Yes, I know that sounds like an oxymoron...  But you'll know what I mean, if you ever go there).  But, hey! if you're ever in the area around State St. and 1500 South.  Stop in.  You (and I :) won't regret it!

Much Lighter Post.

When it comes to healthcare, and treatment, most people have extreme opinions.  To each their own.

 

Obviously, for the most part, I'm putting stock in western medicine, when it comes to my treatment.

However, I just finished my second session of Energy Healing.  And I have to say, it is pretty cool.

I know there are skeptics out there... Cough*Nick*Cough.

But I have definitely experienced more benefit from the sessions, than my "cynical self" ever expected.

It leaves me feeling more in tune with my body, and my emotions.

Positive energy, people, I'm all about it.

 

The most eventful thing that has happened this week was my haircut.

 

Before (another Cohen snapshot):



And, after:

I didn't cry (too much).
It's funny how a different haircut can have a huge impact.
A few of the things I've noticed immediately are:

• That my new haircut doesn't jive with my existing wardrobe.  I didn't realize how much my long hair affected what I wore!  My long hair was very feminine, and I felt comfortable wearing whatever I wanted, because my hair made it obvious that I was a girl.  I gravitated more to a "preppy" style- ie-loafers, and a lot of navy blue is in my closet.  With short hair, I'm finding that I want to wear pink, and dresses.  Definitely more girly stuff.
• My hair did more than just look pretty.  It shaded my neck.  I came home from the first day of Elsa and Cohen's swimming lessons with sunburn on my back and neck.  Ouch.
• And finally, I know this is probably all "in my head", but I feel like I looked thinner with long hair.  I don't have my long locks to hide behind anymore.

I definitely feel more sassy, with the faux-hawk!  It is pretty edgy.
But when it comes down to it, I'm chomping at the bit to re-grow my hair back to a long length.


This past weekend, was Nick's weekend to work.
I conspired with Emily, and we decided that I'd bring the kids to visit.  Emily just moved to Parowan, UT (it's right outside Cedar City, UT).  Her grandparents live on a farm.  It's several acres of garden space (with a stream running through it!), there are horses, goats, and chickens.  And across the street from their house is a duck pond.

My kids were in heaven:

Parowan reminded me of how Grantsville used to be, when Grantsville was still a sleepy farming community (I'm still irked about the fact that Grantsville city recently installed a sidewalk in front of my Grandma's house, AND prohibits street parking!!!).
I have only fond childhood memories of Grantsville, and this weekend, my kids got a taste of what small town life is like too.
Joyous!

It did take every ounce of energy I had, to pull off this "fun Mom" activity.  Driving 3.5 hours, each way, with all three of my kids wasn't easy.
But it was worth it.


And now, I'm counting down the days/hours until I start chemo.
I still have so much to do, and not enough energy to do it with!  Here's hoping I can pull this off, before I'm down for the count!

Pissed Off Post.

I've done really well, refraining from falling in to a "poor me" mentality.  At least, I think I have?

 

But the end of last week...  I was certainly veering in that direction.

 

I had wanted to sign Reagan up to do summer school with our school district. But the teacher in charge, Mrs. Arnold,  made it abundantly clear that she did not want a "special needs" child in her class.

My next option was to have Reagan do the Social Skills class at the Children's Center.

Nick and I took Reagan in for a play screening, so that they could assess her skill level, and place her in a group with kids that were in a similar place on the Autism Spectrum, as she is.

At that appointment I was given a form that listed all of the times that the groups were going on, and I could select a "preferred" time.

There was one time that would work.

 

These social skills class require that a parent accompany the child.  Your kid goes and plays, and the parents observe, and meet in support groups.

It's not something that I'd be able to have a neighbor drop Reagan off for.

 

So, the ONE time that worked, was on Wednesday mornings.

I figured that Nick could take Reagan on the weeks when I wasn't feeling well, because he wouldn't have to go to work until later that afternoon.

And, hopefully, I could take Reagan on my "good" weeks.

 

I put an asterisk next to my preferred time, and wrote a little explanation, about why this time would be best.

 

Imagine my surprise, when I received an email stating that they couldn't accommodate my request!  Reagan had been put in an afternoon time slot that just wouldn't work.

Apparently, they have so many working parents, that have schedules that need to be worked around; that they just couldn't honor my preference.

 

I was steaming mad.

My knee-jerk reaction was to flip them the bird, and move on.

But Nick said we needed to think about it, and take Reagan's needs to in to consideration.

I gave it a lot of thought.

The clincher came in the form of an email.  The Children's Center sent out an run-down of the activities that the kids would be engaging in, during the class.

At the Children's Center, there's a playground that is fenced in.  Every time we go, Reagan begs to be able to play on the playground.

In my head, I thought that if she did the Social Skills class, she'd FINALLY be able to play on that playground.

But, not so.

The email I received said that the Social Skills class would play outside on the grass, but they would not, EVER, be able to play on the playground.

Done deal.

I'm not sending Reagan.

 

It still sucks, though.

First of all, what can any other parent have, that "trumps" my situation???  Seriously, I feel like they were more worried about accommodating working-parents' schedules, than they were about helping out a Mom that's having Chemo!

I just can't imagine anyone having more "heavy" stuff, than me.  And if I'm wrong?  God Bless that poor soul.  But truly, why not give me the time I requested?!

Secondly, I am now without a consistent activity for Reagan to engage in over the summer. Bum-mer!  Yes.  She's doing swimming lessons.  And in July she'll has a Lego Camp.  But I REALLY wanted her to be able to do the Social Skills class.  Sigh.

 

Here's a picture of Reagan on her last day of school.

What a cutie.


The same day that the Children's Center email hit my inbox, Nick also got word that his Walgreen's store was going to be changing its hours.
This puts the possibility of Nick working Sunday's back on the table.  AND, it's highly likely that Nick will have to work a few 12 hours shifts each week.

SO NOT the news I need right now.
It's like I'm being pushed to the edge!
Seriously, this was the stressful straw that broke the camel's back.  I was (and still am) really upset about this.

Walgreen's approached Nick about moving to the store he is currently at, over a 18 months ago.  Switching stores meant a pay-cut.  Nick's negotiated, and to make up for the fact that he'd be bringing in less money, they agreed to give him Sunday's off.

If you ask me, the whole situation is a load of baloney!

However, I'm not going to take to shaming Walgreen's, just yet... 
Nick's scheduler @ work, said that she would try to work something out for him.

Finger's crossed that it works out to Nick's advantage.